Tag: parenting

I would gladly pay tomorrow, for a hamburger today.

Wimpy, from Popeye

The Wimpy Gambit is when a child attempts to procure a promise for the future. What the promise is can range anywhere from having a cookie, to playing a video game, to having a friend over, to something they’ve never asked before. Sometimes the Wimpy Gambit is presented as an exchange. For instance, the child will voluntarily do a chore now if you’ll promise them something for later. The key is always: what is the “something?”

Of all the various techniques kids use, the Wimpy Gambit is the easiest to handle with a variety of techniques at the parent’s disposal. There is no one best way.

The simplest method is to give in. Of course, this depends entirely on how benign the “promise” is, which, of course, falls into the personal taste flavor of things. Generally speaking, if it’s harmless and/or hassle free, there’s little to lose. Plus, the parent has now gained an advantage: they allowed the child to do something, and some form of recompense can be made later on.

Another common counter technique is to brush the request off until later. The main hope here is that the child will forget their request. Generally speaking, this doesn’t happen. When it comes to something they want, children have a memory like an elephant. When brushing them off, be prepared for them broaching the subject later. Also, be prepared for a “Flood-the Zone” attack, where the child will continue to ask the same thing over and over again.

Denying the Wimpy Gambit is another possibility. The main cost here is the hassle of dealing with some sort of blow-back. The child may do anything from stomping off in a fit of rage and disappointment, to start whining and asking “Why?” (Answer: always “Because.”)

There’s also a horse-trading technique where the parent can extract favors, or promises of their own, from the child in exchange for their own promise. Generally, if allowable, this is the best way to go. Making them earn something in return for a reward of their own choosing can make everyone happy.

Often times, the Wimpy Gambit will be deployed when the child thinks the parent is either distracted or tired. Or both. It is an attempt to sneak one over an unsuspecting parent when their guard is down. The child can actually become quite accurate at judging these moments of weakness. This scenario can lead to the worst case outcome where a promise is made that never should have been. Beware, reneging on a “promise” does not go well with a child. Ever.

Megan McArdle links to an article in Slate on the decline of spanking in the US. Both make for interesting reads. Probably the most interesting tidbit is that most doctors and “experts” don’t actually believe that spanking has long term negative effects on kids. Surprisingly, these people often cite themselves as examples of kids who were spanked yet turned out OK. Why isn’t that more common knowledge?

Anyway, I’m familiar with the type of “reward” parenting discussed. We’ve engaged in it a bit, but more I know other parents who employ the technique. I think it has it’s uses, but it definitely has its limits.

For one, I don’t like the idea of setting a paradigm of rewarding behavior that they should do. Kids should help with cleaning up after dinner and gathering laundry and putting clothes away. Brothers shouldn’t beat up on their younger siblings (well, not too badly…). Kids should brush their teeth after breakfast.

Why? Because these are all things they’ll have to do later on. And no one is going to be rewarding them for it, nor is it the sort of thing that is rewarding in and of itself. Life is full of chores. Chores aren’t particularly fun and they never go away. That’s why they’re chores. Rewarding this sort of behavior as a regular thing makes them less willing to do work, unless there’s something in it for them.

Which brings up my next problem with rewarding mundane behavior- the presumption that everything can be negotiated. Or worse, they discover the ability to blackmail. I’ve witnessed on a number of occasions a child work their parents over when the request was something really taxing, like putting on their shoes and coat. Before you know it, the child’s sucking on a juice box and eating a chewy while the parent is putting on their shoes and coat. What lesson was learned do you suppose?

Rewarding does have it’s place, but in measured doses and for truly notable positive behavior. For example, the boy has a temper and the Wife and I have rewarded him a number of times when he’s actually exerted control over it. But for everyday sorts of behaviors, we avoid rewards. Instead, we expect it (the behavior) and make it known that we expect them to behave that way. If we need to nag them, or worse, so be it.

The Wife and I are expecting our gold stars any day now…

UPDATE: Having re-read the article, it seems using the young woman in the article as a reference point for jumping off into a talk about parenting goals was inappropriate. She has, in fact, been doing something different, it just isn’t what she wants. I haven’t modified the post from it’s original content other than to add this mea culpa. I’ll try to be more careful in the future.

Glenn Reynolds comments about this:

You can write in your parents’ basement. And if you want to make it as a writer, you’d better. And if you want to make it as a literary agent, try making some sales for your unrepresented writer-friends. You can do that from your parents’ basement too.

I think this touches on a fundamental aspect of parenting: teaching the importance of a good attitude and of resourcefulness. With the caveat that the article caught her on a bad day, the attitude here is a big problem. To paraphrase her plight: “I did everything right (me: whatever that is) and it didn’t work.” When I hear that line, I’m hearing a trumped up rendition of “It’s not fair!” That’s life. It isn’t fair. Accept it and find a way around it, as Glenn so bluntly points out.

The other problem here is a lack of resourcefulness. Again, Glenn points out ways to accomplish her goal, it’s just not the traditional way. People who succeed (at any level- not just Steve Jobs or Larry Ellison levels) make the most of the tools they have. They find novel ways of getting things done.

These two things go hand-in-hand: having a good attitude means a person will find a way around an obstacle, if it’s important enough to them. Success means they’ll continue to face trials in the future. Failure doesn’t stop them, it just teaches how not to do something. Rinse, repeat, succeed.

I and the Wife preach this kind of stuff to the boy and the lass constantly. We try to challenge them constantly (as is appropriate to their age) to push them out of comfort zones because you have to go there eventually. For example, they tie their shoes without our help because we made them. Trivial you say? I know 2nd graders around here who don’t tie their own shoes. The boy and the lass both dress themselves for hockey, needing help only with lacing up skates. I’ve seen 5th graders who can’t dress themselves up for hockey. And we’re starting to get the boy to learn how to lace up his own skates.

Yesterday, the boy had his best karate class ever. Not because he performed his technique’s well (he did OK at best there- but he’s 7 and expecting perfection from a 7 year old is foolish), but because he gave the best effort I’ve ever seen him give in a class. I let him know and even rewarded him with some desert.

Last night, the lass went and retrieved milk out of the fridge and poured herself and her brother glasses to go with dinner. Unasked. She’s 5. I rewarded her with desert as well. (Prior to that she wasn’t going to get any- her brother had earned it, she hadn’t. Believe it or not, desert isn’t a normal around here. And the kids certainly aren’t entitled to one. That makes it a useful reward for moments like last night.)

No, they aren’t solving the world’s problems and no one in their right mind expects 5 and 7 year olds to do that. But they are learning to solve their own problems. I think that gives them a leg up on the 25 year old in the article.

One of the challenges, for me personally, having the kids involved in youth sports is the practice dynamic. I, having participated in college sports and continuing to practice various athletic disciplines, know what it takes to not just be good, but be very good. Going out and practicing really isn’t enough- the practice needs to be focused and effort needs to be given and a vision of proficiency has to be maintained and strived for at all times. Also, in order to prevent burning out an athlete needs to rotate through different kinds of routines and drills as well as rotate through different aspects within the discipline.

Having said that, it’s pretty clear that expecting a 7 year old to get all that is a bit of a stretch. Their attentions spans are notoriously short and they have their own things they want to be good at. Like Mario Brothers or Mario Kart. Also, it seeming more and more likely that 7 is the age where a certain amount of rebellion starts to set in. But that’s a different topic.

So typically, when I bring the kids to a practice, I try to encourage them and emphasize “having fun.” To them that mostly, I think, means shucking and jiving with their friends during practice. It doesn’t generally materialize into a consistent amount of effort at trying to get better. In fact, I see a lot of times where they just go through the motions.

Which drives me crazy.

I’m a firm believer that the better an athlete is at a sport, the more fun it is. Not giving effort in practice basically means no improvement; thus, it’s just not as much fun and increases the likelihood of quitting. Actually, I think the basic principle applies to any discipline.

So I’m starting to try to get them to pick something to work on when they practice. But I don’t pick it for them. I just ask what they think they need to improve on. If their reply is to general, like for karate the boy might say “sparring”, I steer him towards something more specific.

“Like what in sparring? Kicking? Blocking?”

By getting them to focus on something in practice, I’m hoping for a number of things. First, that their effort level will improve. Second, they’ll start to get much better. And third, they’ll start to enjoy it more because they are getting better. With any luck, it’ll form a positive feedback loop where having fun motivates them to get even better, making it more fun.

Via Ann Althouse, an article about children and play.

Ann wants a policy definition of play. The article she links is about how allowing kids to play isn’t a high enough priority. My takeaway? “Self-Initiated Cognitive Activity”- a.k.a “play.” If only it made for a nifty acronym, it would be perfect.

Next, via Glenn Reynolds, some video whether spanking is abuse.

I’ll parrot Glenn’s pithy answer- no, it isn’t. The confusion is because people opposed to spanking equate it with hitting. It’s not. It’s a physical correction. Spanking isn’t about hurting, it’s about teaching. For those who think otherwise, I offer the following (true) story.

I had cooked up some pizza for dinner and set the pans on the table after they came out of the oven. The lass (she was probable 2 or so, at the time) was sitting down and I told her “Don’t touch the pan, OK? It will hurt you.” I had just turned my back to go get drinks when I heard her yell out and start crying. I turned around and she was holding her finger- she had touched the pan. I picked her up, took her to the sink and started running cold water over it while the Wife took an ice cube out for me to hold on the spot. I said to the lass “I’ll bet you’ll never to that again.” She nodded through tears. And she hasn’t.

So clearly, pain can be useful as a teacher.

I’ll also add that as kids get older, the number of pressure points increases as they develop their preferences like TV, Wii, aversion to early bed times, etc. Thus, the utility of spanking decreases quickly as they grow up.

And finally, Kevin Drum talks about “early intervention”.

My first thought about this is- you guys needed a study to know that neglect of a child at an early age stunts their growth? Isn’t this obvious?

He wants to spend more money on the problem. Of course he does. Because spending money on problems is universally shown to solve those problems all the time. Do I have to link some of Kevin’s own posts about the effectiveness of all the money we’re spending on education to support my point?

Look, I’ll say “Kevin, all the more power to you” if he wants to go and start up some foundation that raises money and distributes it to day cares around the country or something. Good. Great even. Heck, I’d even be fine with targeting more of the money we do spend towards early intervention. But he needs to do a better job of convincing me the problem is widespread enough to justify the kind of response he’s advocating. He has a link to purportedly demonstrate this, but all I get is a post where the author says “experts say.” Feh. Show me some data and your work.

For that matter, why not just advocate against day care more? It is possible to choose to stay home and raise kids you know. Even Dads can do it.

A final, observation. Just because.

What struck me about these 3 links is how they all deal with “extremes”: too much spanking is abuse; neglect is unhealthy for kids; no to time to play is unhealthy for kids. And all 3 try to convince the audience that their extreme has to be dealt with and the sooner the better. But none really provide any real evidence that their problem is becoming endemic, or even on the rise. It’s just that someone did some research and found a “bad” thing to advocate against. Even then, what they’re advocating for is hardly novel. I certainly can’t imagine anyone advocating for this stuff. Yet, something needs to be done in their mind.

The lass was chugging along fine this morning. Despite getting up a little after 6 (on a Saturday!) to start getting ready for hockey practice, she was basically cheerful and agreeable. She’d eaten her breakfast without much drama and even managed to put most of her hockey gear on herself. It actually seemed like the stars had aligned for an uneventful morning.

Which is really the point where we should have realized such was not the case. Because sure enough, after getting through all the “hard” stuff, she hit her stumbling block at being unable to find her sneakers.

She looked. In that characteristic way any kid “looks” for a missing something. Namely, she rushed around swinging her head back and forth fast enough to give an observer whiplash, screaming in a highly irritated (and irritating) whine “I can’t FIIIIIIIND IIIIIT!” She blew by me at mach one, then up the stairs to further search.

Eventually, she did find them. But that wasn’t the end of it. Her antics grew ridiculous enough that I decided to mosey over to further assess the situation.

Basically, she didn’t want to put her shoes on. She wanted it done for her.

It was at that point that, simultaneously, the Wife declared “I’m going to wait in the car” and I simply turned around and walked away. Thus, depriving her of the one thing she wanted at the moment- an audience.

As I headed back down to my computer in the basement, I heard a growl of frustration, the door open and close and then quiet. After a couple of minutes, I wandered back upstairs and she was gone. She was off to hockey.

As hard and unnatural as it may seem at any given moment in the heat of battle, doing nothing really can be an effective counter measure to a kid’s tantrum. I’ve been sucked into many a drama, arguing with the irrational mindset that kid’s frequent. Thinking back on them, it’s remarkable the number of times where I’ve finally thrown in the towel and walked away, only to have the kid finally acquiesce to reality and finish whatever simple task we’d asked of them. Once I’d recognized the pattern, I began skipping to the conclusion. Lo and behold, I’d got the same result. Though every now and again, the boy or the lass will reciprocate and just sit there, waiting for me to re-engage. It’d be too easy if “doing nothing” was a one-size fits all solution.

I can only assume that on some level, there’s a need for some kind of emotional gratification. Perhaps it’s as simple as “misery loves company.” Since we, as parents, ask them to do things that they don’t necessarily want to they choose to kvetch to make us pay for our impertinence. Perhaps it’s just a game.

Luckily, as parents, it’s one we can simply choose not to play.

Last week, while awaiting my turn in the pre-op area, the surgeon came, along with some anesthesiologists, to perform their pre-op prep, rituals and so forth. When he was done, he asked me a question of the form “So, what do I have to do to be like a stay-at-home Dad?”

My gut-reaction answer that I gave at the time was a flippant one: stay at home. He was obviously disappointed at the answer and the conversation quickly moved on from there. Fortunately for him (well- maybe) the question stuck with me and I resolved myself to try and answer it and write it up here. After all, what the heck good is this place if I don’t use it?

So to start, I’ve come to the conclusion that my flippant answer was, and is, the pithy one. After all, what greater difference is their between an at-home Dad and the working Dad than the amount of time available to spend with our kids? Thus, the question I’ll attempt to answer is what advantages that an at-home Dad’s time affords to them can a working Dad benefit from?

Breaking things down further, I’d say the two main advantages are practice at dealing with the every day trials of parenting and a better understanding of who their kids are. I’ll add that, it’s not quite that cut and dried because the former feeds the latter, which in turn influences the former. That is, resolving the various problems your kids will present affords an at-home parent a better understanding of their kid’s personality. This, in turns feeds back into how you’ll deal with them. Take a breath (and a drink), rinse, repeat.

Obviously, there isn’t much that can be substituted for time in getting to know your kids. But, there are some more general things that can be gleaned from the experience of dealing with kids on an almost constant basis.

For one, don’t be afraid to be a jerk when it’s warranted. Kids are unreasonable; they have only the barest understanding of logic. Mainly, they are concerned with their own interests and will act to satisfy them. Their quest will inevitably lead them astray and it’s your duty to make sure you call them out on it. If that means no desert, the no desert it shall be. Don’t be influenced by a misplaced sense of guilt because you don’t want to taint the small slice of time you’ve got with them, or you’re “too tired.”

For another, don’t worry about what other parents think. In general, I’ve found that other parents have a lot of sympathy for a parent that is willing to discipline their child in public. There is a difference between “kids being kids” and kids stepping over a line. Most parents are in general agreement about those lines and chances are, if the behavior has crossed a line for you then so too has it been crossed for others. Besides, a child should understand that behavioral limits apply everywhere, not just at home. They will exploit and push those limits further and further if so allowed.

Talk with other parents about kids, but not just the “Yeah, Johnny’s doing hockey and Sally’s doing dance” type stuff. Rather, mention that “Man, the little brat’s been talking back to me constantly lately.” Guaranteed, you will be astounded at how often you’ll get “Yeah- mine have been doing the same thing. We’ve tried ‘x’ and ‘y’, but, finally, settled on ‘z'” for an answer. Talking with other parents is the number one way to find out that you are not, in fact, the-worst-parent-in-the-world-with-the-only-kid-doing-something-and-surely-it’s-because-of-something-I’m-doing. Other parents are a great resource for alternative approaches and information in general. Mine them for it.

Don’t be afraid to lose your squash for effect. Just don’t over do it. If you’re constantly blowing up at your kids, you should probably be getting help anyway. What’s more, you’ll desensitize them to a potent weapon- your temper. Kids, rightly, fear a parent’s wrath. If used as a once-in-a-while kind of thing, impressions can be lasting and for the better. Just be sure that you’re in control of yourself and that it’s 90% acting. Most important, when it’s done, it’s done. Do not hold a grudge; do not stalk around for 5 minutes; do not rub their nose in it. Move on like it never happened.

As much as possible, don’t let them manipulate you. Generally speaking, when pre-K and above kids start to either cry, whine, say “It’s not fair”, skulk, or start negotiating, they are trying to manipulate you. These situations crop up everywhere: they don’t like the sandwich they got for lunch, or they want to spend “5 more minutes” playing with their friends, or they don’t want to go to bed, or whatever. When you ask them to do something, make sure they do it. It’s just asking for problems later once they really can use logic against you.

Make them perform a learned skill, like tying their shoes. When time is of the essence, there’s nothing worse than a fight over “Get your shoes on” or “Zip up your jacket” or whatever. Kids love to all of a sudden sabotage their efforts and force their parents to do it for them (the DOA attack). Depending on the stubbornness of the child and your own consistency in dealing with them, it may only take a few times before they will start doing it on their own. If you have to, allow an extra 10 or 15 minutes so there is no time crunch.

The last item I’ll mention is, take time to observe your kids. How do they play? What worlds do they create? Do they always do the same thing? How do they react to similar things at different times? Watch their facial expressions and their body language when they’re with friends. You can learn much about them this way that can lead to better efforts at helping them grow-up.

In the end, there are no magic bullets to parenting. There’s no one way to handle a cranky child; no one technique that will allow them to learn a new skill; no line of reasoning that will make them like vegetables or school. Mainly, there’s not giving up on your own efforts at parenting. All parents make mistakes, the best we can do is own up to them and move on.

Since we don’t have any hurricane warnings or watches this week, I’m feeling pretty confident in declaring today the final day of Summer Vacation 2011. It remains to be seen just how far behind the 8-ball the kids end up as a result of missing the first week of school. Since this week also has an in-service day planned, in addition to today’s holiday, this week will be a bad one to start things off. None the less, start it they will.

We spent the majority of the day at the town fair. Some friends had extra tickets and asked if we wanted to get together and let their kids and ours have a little fun running around together. It worked out pretty well, but I can see the beginnings of a problem emerging.

Saw a quick item on the local news this morning where a study stated something to the effect that kids eat more vegetables if you trick them into it (Here’s a link). By “tricking them into it” the study meant pureeing the vegetables and adding it to the food so kids didn’t know they were eating vegetables.

I’ll just say that we tried this on both kids and it was a colossal failure. Both kids caught on to what was going on and became forensic food scientists capable of spotting the tiniest bit of evidence that something didn’t belong. What made it worse is they started parsing their dishes even when there was no attempt to deceive, making even non-laced meals a fight.

So I’m wary of this study based on personal experience. Our kids eat veggies, but only because the Wife and I made them do so by not giving them any other choice. And we did that early on so that now, they aren’t excessively stringent in their veggie selection. Not to say they’re perfect, but we don’t have to resort to tricking them.

One of the rules for our kids is, during the school week, bedtime is 8 o’clock. No matter how much they push back on us, and as they get older they do push back more, we have held the line. On the weekends, on occasion, we allow that to slip. Of course, there was also this passed New Year’s where the boy stayed up just long enough to get half his body onto (not in) his bed before he fell asleep (he did make it to midnight, just not long after midnight). But on school nights there’s no negotiation.

But then there’s a night like tonight, where school is winding down and the Boston Bruins are playing a game 7 in the Stanley Cup Finals. How many times is that gonna happen? Especially since the boy has taken an interest in playing hockey, we figured this is as good a chance as any. Plus, it’s simple. We don’t have to worry about explaining “best of 7” or anything. It’s simply if Boston wins, they are the champs.

So tonight we let them stay up to watch the 1st period. The B’s scored a goal and the first intermission came at 8:55, perfect for bedtime. The kids were both fast asleep 5 minutes after they got in bed.

I suspect tomorrow will come early for them, though.

If there’s one word I’d use to describe how to manage a group of kids, it’s “vigilance.” The second one I’d use is “exhausting,” which is a consequence of the first one.

I’ve actually been fortunate enough to both participate in managing groups of kids and watch other people manage the feat. Even more fortunately, I’ve had the opportunity to watch people who are very effective at the task. So I’ve been able to apply things I “think” I’ve observed and see how well they work. I believe it is a skill that is more natural to some than others; that said, I think anyone can learn them.

After the jump are my own observations, and experiences, in how to deal with a group of kids.

One thing I noted very quickly about kids is that they constantly test you. Not in the sense of “Here’s a pop-quiz, you’ve got 10-minutes to finish it” but in the sense of constantly probing for the boundaries of the rules that are laid out. If you tell them ‘Thou shalt not hit’ they will pontificate for a few minutes and then seek to clarify. What if I tap the other person? What if I’m just running around flailing my arms and I don’t really mean to but I accidentally knock my sister unconscious? What about …? If a parent isn’t careful, a child can tie them up in knots and render a fairly straight forward rule meaningless.

As I’ve said before, kids aren’t stupid.

The concept of fairness is pretty easily explained, and impossible to implement. I have the kids to thank for this insight, because the time honored “That’s not fair!” line is used so frequently when they don’t get what they want.

Part of the problem, as I see it, is that parents reinforce the concept of fairness all the time. When the boy and the lass have a heated argument about what show to watch, we try to resolve the dispute with reasoning like “Well, you watched your show already, so it’s your brother’s turn…” Or when they both want to play with a toy, we resolve the situation by declaring that each of them shall get X number of minutes of play time with the toy.

Initially, fairness was an easy concept to enforce because the kids hadn’t developed enough of their own identity to start trying to determine for themselves what’s fair. Once that threshold is crossed; however, all manner of headaches ensue.