One thing I noted very quickly about kids is that they constantly test you. Not in the sense of “Here’s a pop-quiz, you’ve got 10-minutes to finish it” but in the sense of constantly probing for the boundaries of the rules that are laid out. If you tell them ‘Thou shalt not hit’ they will pontificate for a few minutes and then seek to clarify. What if I tap the other person? What if I’m just running around flailing my arms and I don’t really mean to but I accidentally knock my sister unconscious? What about …? If a parent isn’t careful, a child can tie them up in knots and render a fairly straight forward rule meaningless.
As I’ve said before, kids aren’t stupid.
This concept was reinforced to me yesterday by the boy’s friend. In fact, any friend who comes over quickly starts trying to figure out what they can and can’t get away with. Kids quickly deduce that the “other” parent treats them differently than their own parent does and they try to leverage this to their benefit.
Consider case number one: the request for an afternoon snack. The boy’s friend asked if he could “Go into the closet and pick out a snack.” Call me a codger, but, um, NO, you can’t. It’s my closet and my house and I’ll be damned if you’re going to go through it deciding what suits you needs and stirring up the other two. (To be clear, all I said was “No”- the rest were the thoughts running through my mind.) What he really was doing was trying to assert a form of control. I denied him that. But it didn’t end there.
I pulled out Cheezits for him. As it happens, our kids prefer the White Cheddar Cheese variety as opposed to the standard orange ones. When I pulled these out, the boy’s friend immediately said “Oh, I don’t like those.” The smell of 6-year old BS hung thick in the air. “Oh, really? You mean you’ve tried them and decided you didn’t like them?” I replied. He got a devilish little grin on his face and said “Yeesss.” So I called him on it and had him try 1. He gladly took it, ate it and declared “Nope, I don’t like it.”
To which I said “Too bad, that’s all we’ve got.”
“Really?” he asked with just a tinge of desperation. “Yep.” I lied, but he didn’t know it and he had no way to prove it. And I started to pack up the Cheezits. I had already served the boy and the lass and they were happily munching down their helpings. They were also amusingly silent through the entire exchange. Of course, they live with me and knew where this was going.
Just as I took my first step to return the Cheezits to the closet, the friend caved and said he’d eat them. So I served him the same amount as the other two, and he didn’t leave any crumbs. So yeah, sure he didn’t like them.
Now, I’m not trying to make it sound like he’s some manipulative little cretin who’ll do whatever. He’s actually a very nice kid who’s smart enough to attempt to manipulate a situation to his benefit. My point here is his repeated attempts to get his way solely because that’s what he was comfortable with. If I don’t push back, what about later when I need him to actually listen to me? You don’t earn respect by being a push-over. Even with kids- check that, especially, with kids.
There was also examples after lunch and dinner. This one is much simpler: all I requested they do is clean up their dishes and cups when done eating. In both cases(lunch and dinner), the boy and the lass did so without needing to be pestered. In both case, I had to remind the boy’s friend multiple times to clean up after himself. Further, (I offer this as proof that he’d heard me) in both cases when I reminded him, he smiled and said “I forgot…”
These experiences have lead me to a pretty simple guideline when having the kid’s friends over: treat them as if they are my own. If my kids can clean up dishes after lunch, then so can they. If I say “No Wii.” then that applies to them as well. If I would normally make the kids work for something, then so too shall their friends work for the same thing.
The sanity I save just might be my own.