The concept of fairness is pretty easily explained, and impossible to implement. I have the kids to thank for this insight, because the time honored “That’s not fair!” line is used so frequently when they don’t get what they want.
Part of the problem, as I see it, is that parents reinforce the concept of fairness all the time. When the boy and the lass have a heated argument about what show to watch, we try to resolve the dispute with reasoning like “Well, you watched your show already, so it’s your brother’s turn…” Or when they both want to play with a toy, we resolve the situation by declaring that each of them shall get X number of minutes of play time with the toy.
Initially, fairness was an easy concept to enforce because the kids hadn’t developed enough of their own identity to start trying to determine for themselves what’s fair. Once that threshold is crossed; however, all manner of headaches ensue.
They start to fight over the toy and you go for the “equal time” solution; one of them counters with “Well he got to play with it the other day and I didn’t!” or “I want to play with it first!” Try to resolve which TV show to watch and invariably one will not like your choice; resulting in a preemptive “It’s not fair” argument for the next movie viewing because they didn’t like the last show.
The thing of it is, everyone has their own idea of fair. Politically, some people think “fairness” means people making higher incomes should be taxed at higher percentages(not only paying more in absolute dollars, but as percentages as well); other think that a fixed percentage is fair because in absolute dollars, those with higher income will pay more in taxes. I’ve already pointed out how the kids view fairness as relates to toy time or watching TV.
And the more I think about it, the more I realize that there really is no fairness at all.
Is it fair that the boy is home sick today during his mini-mall school activity which he’d been looking forward too? Is it fair that he’s home watching cartoons as a result, but the lass is not? Is it fair that I had to stay home this morning to keep an eye on him, rather than going to the gym like usual? Is it fair that 6 years ago I felt compelled to give up my job, that I loved, to raise kids? Is it fair that, by-and-large, society is not geared towards stay-at-home Dads, and we are largely left out of stay-at-home Mom cliques? Is it fair to the boy and the lass that, because of the previous “unfairness”, they haven’t had the same opportunity to develop strong best-friend bonds with another child yet? Is it fair that I can stay home and take care of our kids, while other families have 2 working parents and their kids have to go to day care?
The list can go on for as long as I can sit and think. I’ve come to the conclusion that the response, to all those questions, it that “fair” is irrelevant. All of those circumstances simple are. Sure, vast amounts of energy can be spent to change them. But it the list of “Is it fair…?” questions is infinite, then there is no way to resolve them all. And isn’t it obvious that addressing one unfairness will likely result in some other unfairness somewhere down the road?
So finally, I come to my conclusion: that teaching kids about fairness does them no favors because it is an illusion. Far better to teach them that life happens; that circumstances will sometimes favor them and other times not. Far better to teach them how to cope when circumstances don’t favor them; rather than teach them that there is a “fair” resolution. Far better to teach them to be decent to other people because it’s right and not to expect they will receive decency in return. Far better to teach them to appreciate decency when they receive it. Far better to teach them that there is no “fair.”
In an unfair world, it’s the fair thing to do.
7 replies on “Fairness is a Fiction”
Okay, but essentially aren’t you talking about taking kids straight to the “end of innocence” phase of life versus letting them be kids and enjoying their childhood? You are right, life is not fair, but do you remember the moment in life that you realized that fact and how quickly life changed afterwards?
I totally agree with you, but it might also be the people that hold on to the concept of fairness that will eventually change the world, fix everything that lawyers, businessmen, and politicians have destroyed through their manipulation of the system. You could be on to something here in exactly the way you don’t expect it, maybe what is wrong with the world is that the concept of fairness has been lost. We don’t need love, Santa, the Easter bunny, we need fairness, or at least the reality that fairness exists.
I don’t really watch Law and Order anymore, but the funny thing is if the show Seinfeld could be boiled down to a show about nothing, I think Law and Order could actually be boiled down to a show about fairness. Maybe that was the draw for all those years, it was a show that gave people hope that a fair conclusion, a just and righteous conclusion could result.
Now I am rambling, and ultimately you are right, life will never be fair, thanks to the afore mentioned professions, but the hope that it could be, would be nice. I guess you struck a cord here, because our society has become a society of “what is best for me” is fair, and figuring out how to get what is best for the individual has become the ultimate goal in life. Perhaps teaching kids to appreciate all sides of an issue and consider what would be fair for everyone is the approach that will help them see “that’s not fair” is not as valuable a question as “is that fair”.
In the sense that “fairness” itself is just a form on innocence, then yes.
But they still believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy and magic and all those whimsical elements associated with childhood. And I have no interest nor intention of taking those from them. They will grow out of that stuff in their own way and time.
But the more I think about it, the more pernicious the idea of “fairness” becomes. After all, how far are you willing to go to exact your version of fairness on the world? Along the way, will you stop to consider how your actions will affect your own concept of fair? Is there an end to your notion of fairness?
Their is no objective measure of fairness. None. Zero. Zilch. There is only what any one person perceives to be fair. And that person is limited by their own perception of life. This is ultimately what modern government is about. Perhaps it’s what government has always been about. The winner is the group with the strongest perception of a lack of fairness.
The realization that the world is not, in fact, fair is a result of the expectation that it ever was. I’m arguing that it’s the right thing to do teaching them from early on that the world is not fair. And yet, they should treat people with decency and expect none in return. For the simple reason that, it’s the right thing to do.
I’m pretty sure that I’ll be thinking about this for as long as the Wife and I are parents. My initial answer is a start, but it’s not the end. After all, what’s “decent”?
The concept of fairness and the belief that there is such a thing as fair in this world are a form of innocence of mind. Meaning that by believing anything in the world is fair or could be is a lie, kinda like the lie that Columbus discovered America.
I would say that the proper response to “that’s not fair” may be “you both or you tell me what fair is” and then follow the discussion from there to its end. By teaching them how to rationalize in their own mind what they feel is fair, you can slowly teach them how their own person gain may be someone else’s loss and vice versa. You can essential teach them that the concept of fair is a perfect balance and that virtually always, a perfect balance is not possible and therefore, fair is relative and often encompasses unfair, simply to reach a state of fair.
hmmm …. Very profound observations and a very spirited discussion …
If, however, I were 5 or 6 years old, I’d simply say …
“I want it all, and I want it now ….” [which is probably where the commercial came from].
And they certainly won’t consider it fair when they hear “NO.” Which I guess is where all of this started…
Well, sociological studies have proven that kids first develop their minds along a selfish, “me” first, mentality, I can’t remember what state it is, but apparently it goes back to the survival days of old. I have to save myself first before I can save anyone else, and then as they slowly develop a sense of right and wrong and ramifications and all that fun stuff, their personalities expand to a more worldly outlook and a less egocentric mode…thats it I think the phase is the development of the ego, I believe that may actually be the sociological/psychological term. Either way, I agree with their perception of things as kids, all I am saying is that if the concept is deciding to help kids understand that”fair” doesn’t exist, maybe the better approach would be to take their comment and use it against them to help them start to conceptualize what fair is to them at that point in time. That may lead to more forethought to their argument in the future, if they know you are going to ask them to define fair, they won’t use it as a crutch so often.
Maybe…or maybe your questioning of them will not be deemed as fair either.
I agree that questioning them is part of the process. I also know that they won’t be interested in being forced to think about it because their focus will be on obtaining whatever it is their little heart desires at that moment in time. Teaching it to them is a process that can be reinforced by not resorting to arguments of what’s fair or not to justify parental action or inaction as well as by prodding them to question the whole concept of fair. It will also be about teaching them self-reliance and encouraging creativity for problem solving.
The more tools the are shown and given for dealing with life’s problems, the less they will resort to judging how fair circumstances or outcomes are. The idea is to get them to the point where they just see things in terms of action and reaction.