Megan McArdle links to an article in Slate on the decline of spanking in the US. Both make for interesting reads. Probably the most interesting tidbit is that most doctors and “experts” don’t actually believe that spanking has long term negative effects on kids. Surprisingly, these people often cite themselves as examples of kids who were spanked yet turned out OK. Why isn’t that more common knowledge?
Anyway, I’m familiar with the type of “reward” parenting discussed. We’ve engaged in it a bit, but more I know other parents who employ the technique. I think it has it’s uses, but it definitely has its limits.
For one, I don’t like the idea of setting a paradigm of rewarding behavior that they should do. Kids should help with cleaning up after dinner and gathering laundry and putting clothes away. Brothers shouldn’t beat up on their younger siblings (well, not too badly…). Kids should brush their teeth after breakfast.
Why? Because these are all things they’ll have to do later on. And no one is going to be rewarding them for it, nor is it the sort of thing that is rewarding in and of itself. Life is full of chores. Chores aren’t particularly fun and they never go away. That’s why they’re chores. Rewarding this sort of behavior as a regular thing makes them less willing to do work, unless there’s something in it for them.
Which brings up my next problem with rewarding mundane behavior- the presumption that everything can be negotiated. Or worse, they discover the ability to blackmail. I’ve witnessed on a number of occasions a child work their parents over when the request was something really taxing, like putting on their shoes and coat. Before you know it, the child’s sucking on a juice box and eating a chewy while the parent is putting on their shoes and coat. What lesson was learned do you suppose?
Rewarding does have it’s place, but in measured doses and for truly notable positive behavior. For example, the boy has a temper and the Wife and I have rewarded him a number of times when he’s actually exerted control over it. But for everyday sorts of behaviors, we avoid rewards. Instead, we expect it (the behavior) and make it known that we expect them to behave that way. If we need to nag them, or worse, so be it.
The Wife and I are expecting our gold stars any day now…