Category: Family

The boy came home from school today tired and a bit cranky. The Wife commented he should go upstairs and take a quick nap or have a snack, he kind of skulked off, prompting her to say:

“He’s tired; he’s cranky; he’s hungry; he’s …. the boy.”

Yep. Pretty much sums it up.

The boy came home from school today to discover that his sister had received a gift from the other girl in her dance class. He turned to the Wife and said, “Mom, I think Santa has a rule about the number of gifts that you get. The more you receive before Christmas, the less you get on Christmas day.”

Subtle.

The Wife replied “Well, I guess after all the hockey gear you received, you won’t be getting much on Christmas…”

“NO. I mean, I didn’t mean that my sister should get less presents… I was just was thinking…” He trailed off into something unintelligible at that point.

The boy came off the ice from Saturday’s hockey practice visibly upset. Watching him for the final few minutes they were on the ice, it was clear that he was upset. He wasn’t skating hard at all and seemed to be deliberately ignoring the drill he in which he was involved. I’d say he was attempting to be provocative. Thankfully, the coach wasn’t biting.

Turns out he was upset because some of the other kids were laughing at him during one of the drills where he was the goalie. He was also upset because they seemed to have targeted him during one of the other drills where they just kept taking him down anytime he got the puck. He didn’t know what to make of the circumstances- other than that he didn’t like them.

For once, I was on firm ground in counseling him. I’ve suffered through similar circumstances in my time and I’d been hoping something like this would happen. Mental toughness is a valuable trait to acquire and there’s no better opportunity than when you’re made an object of ridicule.

The first rule I told him was, when getting laughed at- ignore it. It would be better if he could come up with a witty remark of some sort, but I think that’s asking a bit much from a 7-year old. I explained that if you let your antagonizer see they are getting to you, then it will only encourage them to continue.

The second thing I explained is that, as long as it’s within the rules give back to them twice as hard. If they bump you down, then go knock them down every chance you get. If you sense them coming up to try and take you down, push them away or shove back. Opponents will use whatever they can to gain an advantage in a direct competition, don’t let them get that advantage. I told him if he kept after them, they’d change their tune in a hurry.

But mostly, I told him outside of my advising him on what he could do to combat the circumstances, I told him I absolutely couldn’t intervene on his behalf. I couldn’t go to the other Dad and ask them to take it easy on him or go and talk to the other boys directly. That course would only make matters worse for the boy. There are some fights he has to wage, and succeed or fail, on his own.

He seemed to be intrigued by the advice. Particularly when I told him he could push back. My guess is it’ll take a time or two more before he remembers and gets a chance to really apply what I told him. Hopefully he doesn’t go overboard when he does. But, we’ll deal with that when, and if, it happens.

It was such a gob smackingly ridiculous accusation, I just turned and walked away from him. Why dignify such a thing with a response?

Last Sunday, the boy had been playing with his DS prior to it being time to go to hockey practice. I’d given him a warning notice that it was getting close to time for him to get ready. Then, the Wife had arrived home and told him it was time to get ready.

He was so upset that he yelled at the Wife, which earned him an early bedtime. That had the predictable consequence of making him more upset. But rather than stop digging the hole he’d made for himself, he redoubled his efforts. So he declared he didn’t want to go to hockey practice.

It’s Souvenir Week at the kid’s school. We parents got to sign up for a 30 minute reading slot where we’d, well, read a book to the class and then hand out some piece of memorabilia related to the book. I signed up for the very first slot (wanted to set the bar high, ahem…) this morning, the Wife is signed up for a Wednesday slot.

I opted to read Chapter 4 from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. Figured it was about the right length and was interesting enough (that’s where Harry first meets Hagrid out on that rock with the Dursleys) that the kids would enjoy it. Having finished up, I’d guess I was right. There was some fidgeting towards the end, but held there attention pretty well. The favorite part was when Dudley got his pig tail- they laughed at that part. Proof they were paying attention.

Some notes in no particular order:

• All the kids knew about Harry Potter- not surprising.
• Almost all of them had seen the movie- surprising! (to me anyway)
• About half didn’t know it was book before a movie- not surprising.
• Reading out loud with Hagrid’s accent is difficult.
• Without practice, it’s difficult to read the story aloud while giving each character their own voice.

That’s supposed to be a wizard’s hat next to the book. That was my ‘souvenir’ for the kids. They got a kick out of that too.

The Kiss had nothing to do with anything. It didn’t make it along for the ride, just into the picture.

Yesterday, the boy returned to the dojo for the first time since his semi-debacle on Monday. It went almost exactly like I expected, except for the surprise twist I supplied at the end.

When he got home from school, he procrastinated about getting ready for his class. Then he dragged his feet going out the door, defiantly declaring he wasn’t going to practice. In the car ride over he was sullen. And his mood only darkened the closer we got. Feeling like your pride had been nicked can do strange things to a kid.

When we finally got into the class room, students were on the floor warming up. But the boy sat down with his head almost between his knees. It was obvious that he thought someone would remember what happened to him on Monday. He was trying to avoid having to relive the embarrassment he’d suffered through. When you’re a kid, everything is about you. Therefore, everyone will remember every slight against you just as vividly as you do.

How can it be otherwise?

That was why I kind of knew that last night was the most important class he had attended for awhile. Not because it had anything to do with karate per say, but because it had everything to do with him learning that he can suffer setbacks and still survive to fight another day. So I was prepared for the answer he gave me when I asked him what was wrong. He didn’t want to have to do anymore push-ups; he didn’t want anyone to remind him about Monday.

I told him the only one who was remembering Monday at that moment was him. But that didn’t get much traction with him. After a few more attempts at reasoning with him bore no fruit, I came up with an novel idea. Simply put, we can take away, but we can also give back, if some pre-conditions are met. Why not? If some behaviors are worth punishing, surely others are worth undoing a punishment as a way of demonstrating their value.

So I told him that if he practiced as hard as the last time I’d watched him, maybe that would be worth something. For the first time, he paused and looked at me. Then he said “Like maybe I can play my DS again this weekend?”

I could only smile at that point, since that’s exactly what I had been thinking. I consider that proof-positive that kids understand the concept of bribery quite well. I said I’d have to talk it over with the Wife, but we’d see what could be done.

And with that, he went out to warm up a bit noticeably cheered. More importantly, he held up his end of the bargain during class, practicing hard. When the class was over I told him he’d done a good job. He seemed to be in better spirits all around.

When we got home, I explained to the Wife my little suggestion. She didn’t have a problem with it except for one thing: he still owed her 75 push-ups. So the final deal was set- he had to finish the push-ups he owed his Mother, and then he’d get his DS privileges reinstated for the weekend. His debt would be considered paid in full.

He didn’t like the change-up since he felt that he’d paid his debt by practicing hard. We held our ground though and in the end he held up his end of the bargain. Naturally, he was quite pleased with the unexpected turn of events. That was the first time he’d earned his way out of a punishment. Of course, it was the first time we’d let him earn his way out of a punishment. I’m hoping this time the lessons will be more permanent.

Only time will tell what lessons he actually learned.

The boy has been slowly assimilating football of late. He now knows a number of teams on sight. But he learned a new one today. He saw a highlight from the Cowboys-Cardinals game today and referred to the Cardinals as “the Angry Bird team.”