Yesterday, the boy returned to the dojo for the first time since his semi-debacle on Monday. It went almost exactly like I expected, except for the surprise twist I supplied at the end.
When he got home from school, he procrastinated about getting ready for his class. Then he dragged his feet going out the door, defiantly declaring he wasn’t going to practice. In the car ride over he was sullen. And his mood only darkened the closer we got. Feeling like your pride had been nicked can do strange things to a kid.
When we finally got into the class room, students were on the floor warming up. But the boy sat down with his head almost between his knees. It was obvious that he thought someone would remember what happened to him on Monday. He was trying to avoid having to relive the embarrassment he’d suffered through. When you’re a kid, everything is about you. Therefore, everyone will remember every slight against you just as vividly as you do.
How can it be otherwise?
That was why I kind of knew that last night was the most important class he had attended for awhile. Not because it had anything to do with karate per say, but because it had everything to do with him learning that he can suffer setbacks and still survive to fight another day. So I was prepared for the answer he gave me when I asked him what was wrong. He didn’t want to have to do anymore push-ups; he didn’t want anyone to remind him about Monday.
I told him the only one who was remembering Monday at that moment was him. But that didn’t get much traction with him. After a few more attempts at reasoning with him bore no fruit, I came up with an novel idea. Simply put, we can take away, but we can also give back, if some pre-conditions are met. Why not? If some behaviors are worth punishing, surely others are worth undoing a punishment as a way of demonstrating their value.
So I told him that if he practiced as hard as the last time I’d watched him, maybe that would be worth something. For the first time, he paused and looked at me. Then he said “Like maybe I can play my DS again this weekend?”
I could only smile at that point, since that’s exactly what I had been thinking. I consider that proof-positive that kids understand the concept of bribery quite well. I said I’d have to talk it over with the Wife, but we’d see what could be done.
And with that, he went out to warm up a bit noticeably cheered. More importantly, he held up his end of the bargain during class, practicing hard. When the class was over I told him he’d done a good job. He seemed to be in better spirits all around.
When we got home, I explained to the Wife my little suggestion. She didn’t have a problem with it except for one thing: he still owed her 75 push-ups. So the final deal was set- he had to finish the push-ups he owed his Mother, and then he’d get his DS privileges reinstated for the weekend. His debt would be considered paid in full.
He didn’t like the change-up since he felt that he’d paid his debt by practicing hard. We held our ground though and in the end he held up his end of the bargain. Naturally, he was quite pleased with the unexpected turn of events. That was the first time he’d earned his way out of a punishment. Of course, it was the first time we’d let him earn his way out of a punishment. I’m hoping this time the lessons will be more permanent.
Only time will tell what lessons he actually learned.