Category: Family

One of the challenges, for me personally, having the kids involved in youth sports is the practice dynamic. I, having participated in college sports and continuing to practice various athletic disciplines, know what it takes to not just be good, but be very good. Going out and practicing really isn’t enough- the practice needs to be focused and effort needs to be given and a vision of proficiency has to be maintained and strived for at all times. Also, in order to prevent burning out an athlete needs to rotate through different kinds of routines and drills as well as rotate through different aspects within the discipline.

Having said that, it’s pretty clear that expecting a 7 year old to get all that is a bit of a stretch. Their attentions spans are notoriously short and they have their own things they want to be good at. Like Mario Brothers or Mario Kart. Also, it seeming more and more likely that 7 is the age where a certain amount of rebellion starts to set in. But that’s a different topic.

So typically, when I bring the kids to a practice, I try to encourage them and emphasize “having fun.” To them that mostly, I think, means shucking and jiving with their friends during practice. It doesn’t generally materialize into a consistent amount of effort at trying to get better. In fact, I see a lot of times where they just go through the motions.

Which drives me crazy.

I’m a firm believer that the better an athlete is at a sport, the more fun it is. Not giving effort in practice basically means no improvement; thus, it’s just not as much fun and increases the likelihood of quitting. Actually, I think the basic principle applies to any discipline.

So I’m starting to try to get them to pick something to work on when they practice. But I don’t pick it for them. I just ask what they think they need to improve on. If their reply is to general, like for karate the boy might say “sparring”, I steer him towards something more specific.

“Like what in sparring? Kicking? Blocking?”

By getting them to focus on something in practice, I’m hoping for a number of things. First, that their effort level will improve. Second, they’ll start to get much better. And third, they’ll start to enjoy it more because they are getting better. With any luck, it’ll form a positive feedback loop where having fun motivates them to get even better, making it more fun.

Via Ann Althouse, an article about children and play.

Ann wants a policy definition of play. The article she links is about how allowing kids to play isn’t a high enough priority. My takeaway? “Self-Initiated Cognitive Activity”- a.k.a “play.” If only it made for a nifty acronym, it would be perfect.

Next, via Glenn Reynolds, some video whether spanking is abuse.

I’ll parrot Glenn’s pithy answer- no, it isn’t. The confusion is because people opposed to spanking equate it with hitting. It’s not. It’s a physical correction. Spanking isn’t about hurting, it’s about teaching. For those who think otherwise, I offer the following (true) story.

I had cooked up some pizza for dinner and set the pans on the table after they came out of the oven. The lass (she was probable 2 or so, at the time) was sitting down and I told her “Don’t touch the pan, OK? It will hurt you.” I had just turned my back to go get drinks when I heard her yell out and start crying. I turned around and she was holding her finger- she had touched the pan. I picked her up, took her to the sink and started running cold water over it while the Wife took an ice cube out for me to hold on the spot. I said to the lass “I’ll bet you’ll never to that again.” She nodded through tears. And she hasn’t.

So clearly, pain can be useful as a teacher.

I’ll also add that as kids get older, the number of pressure points increases as they develop their preferences like TV, Wii, aversion to early bed times, etc. Thus, the utility of spanking decreases quickly as they grow up.

And finally, Kevin Drum talks about “early intervention”.

My first thought about this is- you guys needed a study to know that neglect of a child at an early age stunts their growth? Isn’t this obvious?

He wants to spend more money on the problem. Of course he does. Because spending money on problems is universally shown to solve those problems all the time. Do I have to link some of Kevin’s own posts about the effectiveness of all the money we’re spending on education to support my point?

Look, I’ll say “Kevin, all the more power to you” if he wants to go and start up some foundation that raises money and distributes it to day cares around the country or something. Good. Great even. Heck, I’d even be fine with targeting more of the money we do spend towards early intervention. But he needs to do a better job of convincing me the problem is widespread enough to justify the kind of response he’s advocating. He has a link to purportedly demonstrate this, but all I get is a post where the author says “experts say.” Feh. Show me some data and your work.

For that matter, why not just advocate against day care more? It is possible to choose to stay home and raise kids you know. Even Dads can do it.

A final, observation. Just because.

What struck me about these 3 links is how they all deal with “extremes”: too much spanking is abuse; neglect is unhealthy for kids; no to time to play is unhealthy for kids. And all 3 try to convince the audience that their extreme has to be dealt with and the sooner the better. But none really provide any real evidence that their problem is becoming endemic, or even on the rise. It’s just that someone did some research and found a “bad” thing to advocate against. Even then, what they’re advocating for is hardly novel. I certainly can’t imagine anyone advocating for this stuff. Yet, something needs to be done in their mind.

The lass was chugging along fine this morning. Despite getting up a little after 6 (on a Saturday!) to start getting ready for hockey practice, she was basically cheerful and agreeable. She’d eaten her breakfast without much drama and even managed to put most of her hockey gear on herself. It actually seemed like the stars had aligned for an uneventful morning.

Which is really the point where we should have realized such was not the case. Because sure enough, after getting through all the “hard” stuff, she hit her stumbling block at being unable to find her sneakers.

She looked. In that characteristic way any kid “looks” for a missing something. Namely, she rushed around swinging her head back and forth fast enough to give an observer whiplash, screaming in a highly irritated (and irritating) whine “I can’t FIIIIIIIND IIIIIT!” She blew by me at mach one, then up the stairs to further search.

Eventually, she did find them. But that wasn’t the end of it. Her antics grew ridiculous enough that I decided to mosey over to further assess the situation.

Basically, she didn’t want to put her shoes on. She wanted it done for her.

It was at that point that, simultaneously, the Wife declared “I’m going to wait in the car” and I simply turned around and walked away. Thus, depriving her of the one thing she wanted at the moment- an audience.

As I headed back down to my computer in the basement, I heard a growl of frustration, the door open and close and then quiet. After a couple of minutes, I wandered back upstairs and she was gone. She was off to hockey.

As hard and unnatural as it may seem at any given moment in the heat of battle, doing nothing really can be an effective counter measure to a kid’s tantrum. I’ve been sucked into many a drama, arguing with the irrational mindset that kid’s frequent. Thinking back on them, it’s remarkable the number of times where I’ve finally thrown in the towel and walked away, only to have the kid finally acquiesce to reality and finish whatever simple task we’d asked of them. Once I’d recognized the pattern, I began skipping to the conclusion. Lo and behold, I’d got the same result. Though every now and again, the boy or the lass will reciprocate and just sit there, waiting for me to re-engage. It’d be too easy if “doing nothing” was a one-size fits all solution.

I can only assume that on some level, there’s a need for some kind of emotional gratification. Perhaps it’s as simple as “misery loves company.” Since we, as parents, ask them to do things that they don’t necessarily want to they choose to kvetch to make us pay for our impertinence. Perhaps it’s just a game.

Luckily, as parents, it’s one we can simply choose not to play.

Last week, while awaiting my turn in the pre-op area, the surgeon came, along with some anesthesiologists, to perform their pre-op prep, rituals and so forth. When he was done, he asked me a question of the form “So, what do I have to do to be like a stay-at-home Dad?”

My gut-reaction answer that I gave at the time was a flippant one: stay at home. He was obviously disappointed at the answer and the conversation quickly moved on from there. Fortunately for him (well- maybe) the question stuck with me and I resolved myself to try and answer it and write it up here. After all, what the heck good is this place if I don’t use it?

So to start, I’ve come to the conclusion that my flippant answer was, and is, the pithy one. After all, what greater difference is their between an at-home Dad and the working Dad than the amount of time available to spend with our kids? Thus, the question I’ll attempt to answer is what advantages that an at-home Dad’s time affords to them can a working Dad benefit from?

Breaking things down further, I’d say the two main advantages are practice at dealing with the every day trials of parenting and a better understanding of who their kids are. I’ll add that, it’s not quite that cut and dried because the former feeds the latter, which in turn influences the former. That is, resolving the various problems your kids will present affords an at-home parent a better understanding of their kid’s personality. This, in turns feeds back into how you’ll deal with them. Take a breath (and a drink), rinse, repeat.

Obviously, there isn’t much that can be substituted for time in getting to know your kids. But, there are some more general things that can be gleaned from the experience of dealing with kids on an almost constant basis.

For one, don’t be afraid to be a jerk when it’s warranted. Kids are unreasonable; they have only the barest understanding of logic. Mainly, they are concerned with their own interests and will act to satisfy them. Their quest will inevitably lead them astray and it’s your duty to make sure you call them out on it. If that means no desert, the no desert it shall be. Don’t be influenced by a misplaced sense of guilt because you don’t want to taint the small slice of time you’ve got with them, or you’re “too tired.”

For another, don’t worry about what other parents think. In general, I’ve found that other parents have a lot of sympathy for a parent that is willing to discipline their child in public. There is a difference between “kids being kids” and kids stepping over a line. Most parents are in general agreement about those lines and chances are, if the behavior has crossed a line for you then so too has it been crossed for others. Besides, a child should understand that behavioral limits apply everywhere, not just at home. They will exploit and push those limits further and further if so allowed.

Talk with other parents about kids, but not just the “Yeah, Johnny’s doing hockey and Sally’s doing dance” type stuff. Rather, mention that “Man, the little brat’s been talking back to me constantly lately.” Guaranteed, you will be astounded at how often you’ll get “Yeah- mine have been doing the same thing. We’ve tried ‘x’ and ‘y’, but, finally, settled on ‘z'” for an answer. Talking with other parents is the number one way to find out that you are not, in fact, the-worst-parent-in-the-world-with-the-only-kid-doing-something-and-surely-it’s-because-of-something-I’m-doing. Other parents are a great resource for alternative approaches and information in general. Mine them for it.

Don’t be afraid to lose your squash for effect. Just don’t over do it. If you’re constantly blowing up at your kids, you should probably be getting help anyway. What’s more, you’ll desensitize them to a potent weapon- your temper. Kids, rightly, fear a parent’s wrath. If used as a once-in-a-while kind of thing, impressions can be lasting and for the better. Just be sure that you’re in control of yourself and that it’s 90% acting. Most important, when it’s done, it’s done. Do not hold a grudge; do not stalk around for 5 minutes; do not rub their nose in it. Move on like it never happened.

As much as possible, don’t let them manipulate you. Generally speaking, when pre-K and above kids start to either cry, whine, say “It’s not fair”, skulk, or start negotiating, they are trying to manipulate you. These situations crop up everywhere: they don’t like the sandwich they got for lunch, or they want to spend “5 more minutes” playing with their friends, or they don’t want to go to bed, or whatever. When you ask them to do something, make sure they do it. It’s just asking for problems later once they really can use logic against you.

Make them perform a learned skill, like tying their shoes. When time is of the essence, there’s nothing worse than a fight over “Get your shoes on” or “Zip up your jacket” or whatever. Kids love to all of a sudden sabotage their efforts and force their parents to do it for them (the DOA attack). Depending on the stubbornness of the child and your own consistency in dealing with them, it may only take a few times before they will start doing it on their own. If you have to, allow an extra 10 or 15 minutes so there is no time crunch.

The last item I’ll mention is, take time to observe your kids. How do they play? What worlds do they create? Do they always do the same thing? How do they react to similar things at different times? Watch their facial expressions and their body language when they’re with friends. You can learn much about them this way that can lead to better efforts at helping them grow-up.

In the end, there are no magic bullets to parenting. There’s no one way to handle a cranky child; no one technique that will allow them to learn a new skill; no line of reasoning that will make them like vegetables or school. Mainly, there’s not giving up on your own efforts at parenting. All parents make mistakes, the best we can do is own up to them and move on.