Fudge

Talk about unintended consequences.

Having let the boy and the lass watch A Christmas Story, I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised at their choice of a takeaway scene. Thinking about it, any one of a number of them would have been understandable: the Little Orphan Annie decoder scene, the flagpole scene with Flick, the unboxing of the “major award” scene, even when Ralphie gets to shoot his Red Ryder BB Gun and breaks his glasses. But the one they both have been talking about ever since is the one that I just can’t explain to their full satisfaction: the tire changing scene. Specifically, “FUUUDGE!”

Initially, they didn’t quite grok that “FUDGE” was not what Ralphie actually said. They were confused because “Dad, is ‘FUDGE’ a bad word?” Obviously, no, it isn’t a bad word. After imparting a better understanding of the scene, they immediately set to trying to figure out what exactly “the word” was.

I have to confess to a strange combination of amusement and shame at this. They started asking questions like “Was it the ‘S’ word?” and “It wasn’t the ‘D’ word, was it?” as they mulled through the options. The amusement was in how they were phrasing the questions- clearly, they understood that even the pretext of trying to understand a movie scene was not excuse enough to start letting fly with profanity. But I have to say, I was a little embarrassed at the sheer number of words they were working through.

I’ll confess to, on occasion, under moments of extreme duress imparted by child initiated circumstances, having let fly with an occasional bad word here and there. But after listening to their questions, it became clear to me that the Wife really bears the brunt of the blame here. She really needs to be more careful in their presence…

Getting back to the kids, I was more dismayed to realize that the boy’s sleuthing had involved discussing the scene with his friends at school. With their “help,” he came home yesterday and declared that he had figured out “the word” and he proceeded to spell it out for verification (at least he knew enough not to blurt it out): ‘F’-‘U’-‘K’-‘I’-‘N’.

The first few thoughts going through my head at that moment actually involved variations on that word. I finally decided that his knowing the word wasn’t the end of the world. But I decided a little reinforcement was in order. So after confirming he had figured it out, I asked him “Do you remember what happened to Ralphie AFTER he used that word?”

He nodded and said “He got soap put in his mouth.” I think he sensed where I was taking the conversation because he dropped his eyes to the ground and did a couple of nervous little foot flicks at the air in front of him.

“Well, if you want to avoid the same punishment, then I’d better not ever hear you using words like that,” I said. Then I continued “In fact, I’ll probably make you brush your teeth with soap if I hear that from you.” The lass gasped and blurted out “EEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW!” I added “And the same goes for YOU” and pointed at the lass so there was no opportunity for confusion.

He looked up at me, nodding, and said “I won’t.”

And we left it at that. A couple minutes later, they were both in a heated discussion about what the worst word you could say was. I broke in and directed the conversation to a more parentally approved topic when the competition was between the ‘D’ word and the ‘B’ word. And I reinforced that they should not be using any of those words. They both indicated that they wouldn’t. Ever.

Of course, I know better than that.