Lessons Learned- A Little Late

The Mom comments on my previous post:

WHEN IT happens, just ask him to leave the room … maybe that will reinforce your request … it never seemed to work with the three of you, but your grandfather made his DISGUST very plain and evident … so, maybe you need ‘grandparent’ or ‘adult’ intervention – to drive the point home!!

I have a distinctly different memory, particularly where “it never seemed to work with the three of you” is concerned. My recollection is that we were, in fact very careful not to be rude in our parents company, or any company in general, quite frankly. Excepting the occasional slip. Amongst ourselves, we were more relaxed about our behavior.

Not only did our Grandfather express disgust, but so did our parents. Repeatedly, without exception. In fact, it never even occurred to me that my parents did find some humor in it until I was a teenager and my siblings and I were past the point of being shamed for it in our house.

I think this points up a mistake on the Wife and my part regarding our kids. It’s an example of kids’ ability to grasp “black and white” versus “shades of gray.” It’s also an example of those situations where as a parent you choose to do things differently than they were done to you. In this case, it was a matter of “What’s the big deal?”

Well, “the big deal” is that the kids haven’t lived long enough to develop the self-control being asked of them. They’ve found that farts and belching are funny not just to them, but to Mom and Dad as well. Rather than grasping the nuances of when it might be tolerable, they’re less inhibited because there’s always the chance the Mom and Dad will find it funny as well.

Had we been rigorous in condemning the behavior from the start, it likely wouldn’t even be an issue worth writing 2 blog posts about. And, to be clear, we do condemn the behavior (especially now that the horse is out of the barn); but there have been situations where we didn’t and we chose to be relaxed and have a laugh about it with the kids. It doesn’t take much for the barn door to get thrown open.

So sometimes it does pay to be a hardass as a parent. Doing so gives kids clear, unambiguous indicators of the behavior that is expected of them. When they grow-up a bit, they’ll figure out on their own that life isn’t quite so rigid. And what’s more, they’ll be more capable of handling the realization responsibly.