The Talk

The boy has been exhibiting certain behaviors of late that both the Wife and I, the Wife more so, have been trying to correct. Unfortunately, we haven’t had as much success addressing the issue as we’d like, so yesterday I sat the boy down and had the following conversation with him.

Me: Look, I’m not really sure how to say this, so I’ll just be blunt, OK? Burping and farting are two of the funniest things there are. Possibly the funniest.

the boy: (starts giggling)

Me: (continuing with straight face) There’s just something about those two things that make them hysterical. There’s no point in me denying that simple truth.

In fact, my brother and I used to have farting contests growing up.

the boy: (still laughing) Who would win?

Me: Sometimes he would win, sometimes I would. But they were always hilarious, regardless of which of us was the better farter.

the boy: You mean like, who had the stinkiest?

Me: The stinkiest, the loudest, the most, whatever you can think of.

But that’s not really what’s important. The point is, I’ve fouled my fair share of air and am in a tough position getting upset about the occasional fart or belch in my presence.

But, you have to understand that there’s a time for burping and farting, and a time to be discrete about it.

the boy: (talking through a large grin) What do you mean?

Me: I mean there are a lot of times when its not appropriate behavior. When you’re with your friends, hanging out, whatever, I mean, OK go for it. When there aren’t any parents around, sure. What’s the harm, right?

But when you’re around family and other adults, it’s really an impolite thing to do and you should excuse yourself or try to keep it quiet.

the boy : You mean like an SBD?

Me: (grinning) Sort of- if they don’t stink you’re fine, but if they do then everyone will know you did it anyway. And you can never be sure when they will or won’t stink. The idea is to be discreet and either go to the bathroom or something, do your business, and then come back. You can try to sneak them out, but if someone says something funny you’ll end up laughing and it’ll blast outta there, so that’s kind of risky. So, it’s best to just quietly excuse yourself, you don’t even have to tell anyone why you’re going. Just go and do it and then come back when you’re done. No harm no foul. Well, sort of.

the boy: Did your sister used to fart?

Me: (grinning) Well, I can’t really speak for her, but you could ask her on the sly the next time you see her, OK?

the boy: (nods, grinning)

Me: Anyway, so around the dinner table, or during family activities, it really is impolite and you need be better about it, OK?

the boy: (still grinning) OK, Dad.

All in all, I thought it went pretty well.