A Stay At Home Dad

The Denial of Ability, DoA, Attack is probably the most common form of tantrum once a child reaches ages 4-6. These are the years when the child is learning many different fundamental, but necessary, life skills such as: tying shoes, buttoning shirts (cuffs in particular), zipping coats, brushing teeth, putting clothes on hangers and any other taken-for-granted task adults handle.

The DoA Attack is characterized by the simple phrase “I can’t do it!” The phrase can be uttered with varying degrees of conviction, as well as whining qualities. Several factors are the child’s level of fatigue, overall progress in mastering the activity, age and temperament. The last one I think is the biggest factor. Also, how frequently the adult capitulates to the child and “does it for them” is a contributor.

The DoA Attack is impossible to prevent even though it is all to easy to predict. DoA Attacks are most common when time is of the essence. In fact, it’s not unusual for a dreaded DoA Chain to occur if you are running late for an appointment or event.

For instance, you’re heading out to soccer practice and the child doesn’t have shoes on. Because of the rush the child barely pulls the shoe on before launching into a DoA. After the shoes are on, the coat is next and the child, still flustered by the shoe experience, now is unable to zipper their jacket. They launch DoA Attack number 2. Finally, the child gets to the car where they are unable to buckle themselves in and they launch DoA attack number 3.

DoA chains are emotionally devastating, exhausting affairs for everyone and may require a stiff drink for the adult later on. It is not unusual for the child to be extremely sensitive and snippy afterwards. If going to a sporting event, expect their enthusiasm level to be low or even gone. Be careful, a “Vibrating Why” could ensue upon arrival at practice.

There is no one, right way to counter a DoA Attack. Though, generally speaking, patience and complete emotionless committal to having the child see the task through is the preferred approach. Be warned, it is not unusual for the child to sabotage themselves if they are pressed to continue trying. For instance, when a child is attempting to tie their sneakers they will create a Gordian Knot out of the laces making your intervention impossible to avoid, as most adults will be challenged to undo the resulting knot.

Also, generally speaking, reacting with anger or threats generally lead to an escalation. Though, if the child is reasonably accomplished at the task and has launched a DoA Attack largely due to fatigue or grumpiness, such a response can be effective at prodding the child to finish their task.

A common myth about DoA attacks is that quiet, gentle reminders that “You can do it- you’ve done it before…” are effective parental counters. In reality, they are no more successful than any other technique and, if relied upon too much, can result in the child simply walking away from the task with the declaration “This is stupid, I’m not doing it.”

The worst case outcome for a DoA Attack is an intervention by a stranger, whom, thinking they are Switzerland or something, swoops in with a smile and enthusiasm to complete the task for the child. The parent has now been completely undermined and made to appear an unreasonable ogre in front of their child. More annoying, the stranger typically is convinced they’ve done a good deed and is noticeably full of self-congratulation at their initiative. Generally speaking, giving the interloper a good swift kick would be nice, but is, practically speaking, impossible. Best to go home and have a drink.

Or 2.