Last week, while awaiting my turn in the pre-op area, the surgeon came, along with some anesthesiologists, to perform their pre-op prep, rituals and so forth. When he was done, he asked me a question of the form “So, what do I have to do to be like a stay-at-home Dad?”
My gut-reaction answer that I gave at the time was a flippant one: stay at home. He was obviously disappointed at the answer and the conversation quickly moved on from there. Fortunately for him (well- maybe) the question stuck with me and I resolved myself to try and answer it and write it up here. After all, what the heck good is this place if I don’t use it?
So to start, I’ve come to the conclusion that my flippant answer was, and is, the pithy one. After all, what greater difference is their between an at-home Dad and the working Dad than the amount of time available to spend with our kids? Thus, the question I’ll attempt to answer is what advantages that an at-home Dad’s time affords to them can a working Dad benefit from?
Breaking things down further, I’d say the two main advantages are practice at dealing with the every day trials of parenting and a better understanding of who their kids are. I’ll add that, it’s not quite that cut and dried because the former feeds the latter, which in turn influences the former. That is, resolving the various problems your kids will present affords an at-home parent a better understanding of their kid’s personality. This, in turns feeds back into how you’ll deal with them. Take a breath (and a drink), rinse, repeat.
Obviously, there isn’t much that can be substituted for time in getting to know your kids. But, there are some more general things that can be gleaned from the experience of dealing with kids on an almost constant basis.
For one, don’t be afraid to be a jerk when it’s warranted. Kids are unreasonable; they have only the barest understanding of logic. Mainly, they are concerned with their own interests and will act to satisfy them. Their quest will inevitably lead them astray and it’s your duty to make sure you call them out on it. If that means no desert, the no desert it shall be. Don’t be influenced by a misplaced sense of guilt because you don’t want to taint the small slice of time you’ve got with them, or you’re “too tired.”
For another, don’t worry about what other parents think. In general, I’ve found that other parents have a lot of sympathy for a parent that is willing to discipline their child in public. There is a difference between “kids being kids” and kids stepping over a line. Most parents are in general agreement about those lines and chances are, if the behavior has crossed a line for you then so too has it been crossed for others. Besides, a child should understand that behavioral limits apply everywhere, not just at home. They will exploit and push those limits further and further if so allowed.
Talk with other parents about kids, but not just the “Yeah, Johnny’s doing hockey and Sally’s doing dance” type stuff. Rather, mention that “Man, the little brat’s been talking back to me constantly lately.” Guaranteed, you will be astounded at how often you’ll get “Yeah- mine have been doing the same thing. We’ve tried ‘x’ and ‘y’, but, finally, settled on ‘z'” for an answer. Talking with other parents is the number one way to find out that you are not, in fact, the-worst-parent-in-the-world-with-the-only-kid-doing-something-and-surely-it’s-because-of-something-I’m-doing. Other parents are a great resource for alternative approaches and information in general. Mine them for it.
Don’t be afraid to lose your squash for effect. Just don’t over do it. If you’re constantly blowing up at your kids, you should probably be getting help anyway. What’s more, you’ll desensitize them to a potent weapon- your temper. Kids, rightly, fear a parent’s wrath. If used as a once-in-a-while kind of thing, impressions can be lasting and for the better. Just be sure that you’re in control of yourself and that it’s 90% acting. Most important, when it’s done, it’s done. Do not hold a grudge; do not stalk around for 5 minutes; do not rub their nose in it. Move on like it never happened.
As much as possible, don’t let them manipulate you. Generally speaking, when pre-K and above kids start to either cry, whine, say “It’s not fair”, skulk, or start negotiating, they are trying to manipulate you. These situations crop up everywhere: they don’t like the sandwich they got for lunch, or they want to spend “5 more minutes” playing with their friends, or they don’t want to go to bed, or whatever. When you ask them to do something, make sure they do it. It’s just asking for problems later once they really can use logic against you.
Make them perform a learned skill, like tying their shoes. When time is of the essence, there’s nothing worse than a fight over “Get your shoes on” or “Zip up your jacket” or whatever. Kids love to all of a sudden sabotage their efforts and force their parents to do it for them (the DOA attack). Depending on the stubbornness of the child and your own consistency in dealing with them, it may only take a few times before they will start doing it on their own. If you have to, allow an extra 10 or 15 minutes so there is no time crunch.
The last item I’ll mention is, take time to observe your kids. How do they play? What worlds do they create? Do they always do the same thing? How do they react to similar things at different times? Watch their facial expressions and their body language when they’re with friends. You can learn much about them this way that can lead to better efforts at helping them grow-up.
In the end, there are no magic bullets to parenting. There’s no one way to handle a cranky child; no one technique that will allow them to learn a new skill; no line of reasoning that will make them like vegetables or school. Mainly, there’s not giving up on your own efforts at parenting. All parents make mistakes, the best we can do is own up to them and move on.
