As I was ushering the kids out the door this morning for their ride to school, the lass lamented: “We didn’t get to watch that much TV this morning, Dad!” Alright, it wasn’t so much a lament as a whiny protest.
In retrospect, I probably should have just shrugged this one off. But, for whatever reason, I took up her challenge thusly:
“Well, you got up late this morning, and it would have been later if I hadn’t threatened to have the dog come and jump all over you. Then by the time you got dressed, ate breakfast, brushed your teeth, and got your shoes- and all that with your dawdling in between- there isn’t much time left for …”
I was then interrupted by “Stop saying that! It’s aaaa-noooooy-ying!” in a sing-song fashion. Once again, I probably should have let the comment go.
But I didn’t: “So are you-oooo” was my mimicked reply. I continued “Besides, you’re the one who brought it up. If you don’t like it, that’s not my fault.”
She didn’t have anything more to say at that point, and the walk out to the car and ride into school was uneventful.
But thinking back on it, I think this highlights one of my “to-work-on” areas regarding parenting skills. Namely, even if I can come up with a quick retort to some little jab or quip the kids might make, I shouldn’t always blurt it out. I think it’s often times counter productive in that, it gets visited back on me, or the Wife, in the form of smart-mouthing or talking back.
There’s a large element of “the chicken and the egg” to it as well. In general, I’ve noticed (observing the boys’ and the lass’ friends as well as them) that kids like to shoot their mouths off when they don’t get something they want, the way the want it, when they want it. So I have to believe some of this is just kids being kids, learning what they can and can’t get away with. But many times, the way the child makes the argument, or the tone or voice inflections used, just has to be the child trying to exert parental power.
Now, I can’t say this with any authority, but one thing I’ve learned is to never underestimate their intelligence, powers of observation, and ability to determine cause and effect. They may not be able to do it with the nuance of an adult- but I think the main difference is experience and they are connecting dots. Imagine you are a child and you do something that doesn’t set well with your parents. What do your parents do? They exert authority through their voices and their word selection. Not yelling, per say, but they exert a commanding presence and will the child to stop. This sort of drama has to make a sharp impression on a child’s mind.
So when a child encounters a similar situation, or at least believe they are encountering a similar situation, they decide to do what Mom or Dad does. They attempt to exert themselves as they’ve observed their parents.
Some of this is unavoidable- kids make mistakes and they need to be corrected. But if they get nipped at for every little transgression, it seems logical to me that they’ll respond in kind. So, coming back to my own situation, when I decide to jump on them for some little thing- I’ve set a precedent, reinforced through the drama of doing so, for them to act on later.
I long ago observed that through all my years growing up with a brother and sister, going through school, working on jobs with other people where decisions have to be thought about and made, even marriage, one constant theme is learning to pick your battles. If you try to fight every little thing, you’ll have no energy for the stuff that really matters. Dealing with kids is no different.