A couple of days ago, I realized that I can’t trust the lass. The moment came when I picked her up at school. The previous night, she showed me a book that she wanted to bring for share day. I told her no- it wasn’t really a good thing to bring for share day. Then, as she came out of the classroom her teacher handed her the book. My first comment to her was not “Hi” but rather “I thought I told you not to bring that.” She was caught red-handed, and she knew it.
The next question is, how big a deal is this? She’s only 4 after all. Perhaps it’s less a matter of coming to trust her and more a matter of understanding the type of person she’s becoming. In this regard, she’s a little girl that will listen when it suits her. When it doesn’t, she’ll have no hesitation to do what she wants. This behavior isn’t necessarily something to reject out-of-hand. Independence is something to be nurtured.
Why is trust important?
At her current age, it’s more a matter of building a base and teaching judgment. At some point, she’s going to be well beyond our control. She’ll be doing things with friends and making decisions and being exposed to situations where good judgment is required. The things we do with her now are instilling the sense of judgment she’ll be using when that day comes. That’s not to say that she should do exactly as we would do in a situation. But we want to be able to trust that she won’t do something that will require us to bail her out of jail.
Now- minor violations in the present-day don’t mean that’s where she’ll end up tomorrow.
But they don’t instill confidence either.
Thinking back on it, she’s really exhibited this sort of behavior her whole life. I can think of many minor incidents where she was asked or told not to do something, only for her to go ahead and do it a couple of seconds later. Like the time I told her not to touch the just-out-of-the-oven cooking sheet. Turn my back and the screaming and crying starts, followed by sticking her hand under cold water. Or any of the zillions of times we asked her to clean something up, or put it away, and she didn’t. Or the times when she’s playing a game, and gets frustrated when she isn’t allowed to play by her rules.
The tendency at the time is to just dismiss the incident as a learning-the-ropes sort of thing. I suppose this is the way it is for a parent. We get fooled into thinking we’re on top of the situation. It isn’t until later that we realize we’ve been 2 steps behind the whole time.
On matters of trust, despite his being just shy of 6, the boy is a different story. He has internalized the notion of doing what’s asked of him. He doesn’t always like it- but we don’t have any problem with that. We prefer that he doesn’t just mindlessly follow instructions. Truth be told, we don’t want either child to be an automaton. The flipside is we don’t want to have to supervise every single second of their life either.
Regardless of what we’d like, the reality is what it is. So, how to deal with it? I’ve already had a talk with the lass about being able to trust her. Unfortunately, it just confirmed my suspicion that she wouldn’t quite be able to grasp the concept. She tried. Even spent the rest of the day doing things I asked and then asking “Can you trust me now?” But again, the first time she came into conflict- she did what she wanted and getting her to do a simple chore became a wrestling match.
Part of me wonders if there is anything to be done about it- but, rather, just adjust to the reality. We’ve always asked the kids to take care of things and do things. We’ve encouraged and rewarded them for being ‘useful’ engines. The boy has responded and internalized, while the lass has not done so. Perhaps the issue is that the boy has spoiled us to a degree- and we wrongly expect the same level of cooperation from the lass. Perhaps with perserverance, she’ll come around by the time she’s the boy’s age. Or a little later…
So that’s the current state of affairs. I don’t have any answers- I’m not under the illusion that there is a magic bullet. It’s long since been clear that parenting is a game of observe and adjust. At least the observation has been made.
And the game continues.