One of the things I’ve always known about raising kids is that I had to pick my fights carefully. When teaching someone with a limited capacity for nuance, I think a parent naturally opts for clear ‘yes you can’ and ‘no you can’t’ rules. As the kids get older, they don’t like the ‘no you can’t’ option so much and won’t hesitate to let you know that they’re not so keen on your decision.
The fact that I knew I had to pick my fights doesn’t necessarily mean I was very good at picking them. Sometimes it would be the smallest little thing that gets blown into them being grounded for the rest of the natural born life. Possibly even further… Then, after the heat of the moment is gone, I realized did I really need to go that far?
In a sense, I felt I did. The way I look at it, once I make up my mind regarding the kids behavior, I’m obligated to follow through. If I don’t, the kids will realize that Dad is a weak-kneed-all-wind-an-no-rain sort of fellow. Then, all they have to do is hold out a little longer and they know Dad will cave. I figure better to teach them that Dad doesn’t cave. Ever. Not even on Christmas.
That being said, picking the fights is the hard part. I think it’s also a combination that they are older now and need to be allowed to resolve their disputes on their own. I have only so much sanity in the bank and I can’t keep making withdrawals over stuff like:
I said seatback and she took my spot!
Or the seemingly endless variants thereof.
So I’ve started picking fewer fights and trying to play more of an advisory role. Explaining that maybe this isn’t the big deal they’ve made it out to be, or maybe they should go do something else for the time being, or maybe they should stay away from each other for a couple of minutes.
I can’t really say that I’ve noticed a difference in the kids, yet. Actually, if anything, they seem to go after one another more now. But on the other hand, my blood pressure hasn’t had the spikes it once did. I still get exasperated with some of the arguments- mostly because they never seem to end. But that’s better than stepping in and refereeing every last little sibling spat. Rather than trying to decide how to intervene, I’m deciding if I should. In turn, it’s easier to decide because the criteria is less about what the fight is over and more about the intensity. If either gets physical with the other, that’s a flag, typically a 15-yarder and loss of down. If I can, I try to nip it in the bud and separate them to keep it from getting physical.
Even when one of them does the old ‘Dad, he did blah blah blah’ I won’t take the bait. I know that he did ‘blah blah blah’ but prior to that, she got her ‘blah blah blah’ in. I tell them to work it out on their own, I’m not interested in picking winners. The other technique I’ve employed is the scorched-earth policy. If they don’t resolve it on their own, they both get flagged. And there are no ‘offsetting penalties’ in my rule book. This encourages dispute resolution because nobody likes to be punished.
So we’ll see where this takes us. Discipline is one of, if not the, hardest things about parenting. When, how much, how far… In all likelihood, they’ll start gaming the system and I’ll have to change things up yet again. Stay tuned.