“The other boys said I was wearing a purple shirt and that it was a girl color and laughed at me. None of the girls said anything, just the boys. I told them to stop and they didn’t.”
For the record, the shirt in question is a nice rugby shirt which is maroon and white striped. It’s perfectly suited for the boy, or any boy. I would wear a shirt of its like without a seconds hesitation.
Of course, 5 year old boys only know about 10 colors. One of which is purple and as far as a 5-year boy is concerned, maroon is purple. Any distinctions are lost on them. The kicker is- purple is a girl’s color.
Now, in general, I don’t consider myself to be “wise” or have wisdom in abundance. However, with respect to a 5-year-old, I’m quite certain that I’ve got something to offer. I was 5. Heck, I’ve been there. I’ve been the kid being poked fun and laughed at by the other kids. As it happens, I’ve also learned the ideal way to deal with this exact situation.
It’s really quite simple- a show of self confidence defuses this situation every time. You need to quickly come up with an amusing rebuttal that is not a defensive put down against your persecutor. An optimal comeback will also refocus attention back on the persecutor in such a way that everyone is laughing and waiting to see if HE can come up with something better. For instance, something like “I thought you’d notice, it’s your favorite color after all” wouldn’t be a bad way to go. Another option would be “Well, my pink one is in the laundry.” This one isn’t as good, but its effective enough to show that you’re not really upset by the initial jab.
With respect to the boy, I understood that his initial reaction was to be upset by the other kids laughing at him. He really dislikes other kids, or anyone, laughing at him for that matter. I don’t know if its an age thing or his personality. Only time will tell. Unfortunately, a defensive reaction is the worst way to go. That’s like slicing your forehead and finger tips with a razor and then jumping into the water after it’s been chummed and the sharks have arrived. Boys can be nasty when they sense a sore spot. Getting your nose rubbed in it is almost a given. Actually, kids in general are like that.
So, after all that, here’s the challenge- explaining this stuff to the boy. I mean, it’s not like I could just read the above paragraphs to him. First, I asked him if he liked the shirt. He did. So I said if he liked it, what did it matter what other kids thought? “I don’t like them laughing at me” was the predictable reply.
Hmmm.
I then tried telling him the best thing he could do is to laugh with the other kids. Then they’d stop and move on. He kept thinking this meant to laugh AT the other kids- not quite the same thing. After several more minutes of discussion, he said “When they say that, I should say that they have purple heads.” I figured that this was the best I was going to get. At least he was no longer upset about the whole thing. He was even laughing.
Still, I’m puzzling over the issue. Self-confidence is one of those things that you either have naturally or that you’ve earned for yourself. I can tell the boy better ways to handle a given situation, but I can’t make him internalize it. Then again, perhaps that’s how parenting works sometimes. Give him another way to perceive a situation and let him run with it and develop his sense of self and self-worth.
At this point, I’m not sure there’s more I can do.
2 replies on “Con Games”
Direct: “Oh yeah? Well the Jerk Store called and they want YOU back!”
Belittle: “If you think this shirt is purple then you are dumber then the teacher says you are when you are not in class…it’s MAROON you MORON!! HAHAHAHAHA, dummy…HE ACTUALLY THINKS THIS SHIRT IS PURPLE!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!”
Political: “President Obama wears purple ties ALL THE TIME!! You’re RACIST…HE’S RACIST, HE’S RACIST!!! He said he hates black people and President Obama, because they are different from him!!!”
Fear Mongering #1: “This is actually maroon, are you color blind, you might have to go to the doctor, you’re going color blind, I think its contagious.”
Fear Mongering #2: “You think this is purple? Really? I heard you have the swine flu and that’s the first symptom it is gonna be really bad…HE’S GOT THE SWINE FLU, EVERYBODY RUN!!”
Confidence: “This is my favorite shirt, sorry you don’t like it.” (Must be calm and non-reactive prior and post comment)
Intimidation: “Purple keeps me calm and keeps me from killing you, unfortunately for you, this shirt is maroon, see you after school.” (Pat bully on shoulder and walk past forcefully.”
Witty: “You’re Dad has this same shirt!”
Annoying: “HAHAHAHA, oh my gosh, you are so funny, HAHAHAHA, he is the funniest boy in class, HAHAHAHA, everyone listen to how funny he is, HAHAHAHA, he said my shirt is purple!! HAHAHAHA, that is so awesome, he thinks my shirt is purple!! HAHAHAHA, HAHAHAHA, purple, HAHAHAHAHA, oh my gosh, HAHAHAHA, did everyone hear that? Say it again, HAHAHAHA, oh my gosh, awesome, HAHAHAHA, best joke ever, HAHAHAHAHA, he said my maroon shirt is PURPLE, HAHAHAHA, oh man you are so funny, you should tell jokes for show and tell, HAHAHAHA, that was awesome, PURPLE, MAROON, PURPLE, MAROON, HAHAHAHA, PURPLE, MAROON, HAHAHAHAHA, you are SO FUNNY!!!” (Continue on and on until the crowd dissipates or you get punched, then return fire swiftly and leave no survivors.)
I think all of these are quite effective, but at the end of the day kids are meaner than anyone on Earth and you’ve got to learn your own defense mechanism until you are old enough and confident enough to not care what other people think about you. If he understands that kids make fun other other kids because they are scared or intimidated by them, it can be extremely empowering. Try to help him understand, in kid’s terms, that he is an Alpha male and the rest will fall in to place on its own.
No one likes to be laughed at, but when you know that people are laughing at you because they know you are superior and there is nothing else that they can do, you are pretty much unstoppable.
You had me in stitches….are you talking from experience??? Just wait til you get the picture of the boy to place in a very prominent location!