Sick

Finally succumbed to, well, something anyway. I can’t say it’s what’s been going around because it’s only been about 24 hours; whereas most of what I’ve heard about lasts for a few days.

And while I’m on this topic, let me just get a little graphic here and say that vomiting has to be the most miserable bodily function experience there is. First off, there’s that funny feeling in your stomach where you know something isn’t quite right and you think “Maybe I shouldn’t have put horseradish on my eggs and sausage this morning along with 3 cups of coffee.” But denial sets in and you figure “I’ll just sip on water and give it some time, I’ll be right as rain in a couple hours.”

A couple hours later, things haven’t improved and, gee, maybe you I shouldn’t have gone to the gym for a workout after all. No lunch and now things are starting to get a little bloated down there. At this point, the thought occurs that toilet hugging is in your future.

After a another hour or so, you get that first confirmation. The sensation is almost imperceptible, certainly indescribable, and unfortunately undeniable- something in your gut just kicked in. It’s T-minus time, and Mount Vesuvius will have nothing on you in a few moments.

When the moment finally does arrive, the only good thing is you’ve located yourself over the toilet so you won’t have to clean up anything more than absolutely necessary. Mainly yourself. The spasms rip through you. Snot seeps out your nose and down you cheeks, but you could care less about that because the past couple of meals is pouring out of you. You close your eyes and hang on because, really, there’s nothing else you can do. To add further insult, chunks of food are getting stuffed up your nose.

Finally, that first break comes where it could be over. But it’s not. There’s still a thimble-full of something down there that has to be purged. Somehow, this part is even worse than the previous waves. Your mouth tastes like 4-day old socks that saw double-shifts in coal plant. Liquid is dripping off your face- some God-awful combination of stomach goop, snot and spit. You don’t dare open your eyes, lest you’ll be staring at your stomach contents. You reach out for the toilet handle and then the heaves start. Your body spasms and now things hurt.

Finally, it’s over. Your stomach feels better, but there’s that taste in your mouth and all that stuff dripping off your face. And, when did your nose get all clogged up? Oh yeah…

So now the cleanup phase begins. Rinse your mouth out with some water, but don’t dare swallow. Wash your face off with cool water- that feels good. Then blow your nose, once, twice, three times. Chunks of food are still coming out. Finally, brush your teeth. Then, back to the toilet to clean up whatever didn’t make it into the toilet. Finally, you go to a couch, maybe with a little water.

Really, is there anything worse that your body can throw at you?