Some of you reading this may remember a time before cable. Back then, channel choices were limited to UHF and VHF. Most of the networks channels were on VHF and those typically came in the clearest. But it was rare that the antenna could remain in one position and maximize reception for all the stations. If you remember those times, perhaps you also remember to whom the job fell to tune the antenna. Us (at the time) kids. If we were particularly unlucky, the mere act of touching the antenna would result in better reception. At which point it was time to settle in and get comfortable.
Not only did we tune the antenna, we also were the remote controls for our parents. And, I suppose, why not? Since we were already up there futzing with the antenna. Might as well kill two birds with one stone. We’d patiently stand up there flicking the dials on the TV (or pushing the buttons for the stations on the more modern versions) waiting for some kind of “OK” to signal that a station had been selected and we could return to our seat. Assuming we weren’t making reception possible, that is.
I mention this because I think there’s something useful there from a parenting perspective. Namely, the act of a parent having a child do something trivial. While I remember being none to thrilled with the job at the time, as a parent I actually think that things like this have a place in helping parents raise their kids.
Mainly, it’s an assertion of dominance. Not the kind of dominance where a parent is actually forcing a child, mentally or physically, to do things a certain way. Rather, it’s the kind of dominance where the notion is enforced that the family has a pecking order and the parents are at the top of that order, while the kids reside somewhere lower in that order.
I’ve never bought into the “parents as friends” line of thinking. Kids don’t know enough about the world in order to make good decisions. As a case in point, we had a Roadside Cleanup with the Cub Scouts this past weekend. In my group of boys, one of them decided that a good diversion was to pretend a bear had emerged from the woods and was chasing him. So he ran off screaming right down the middle of the road. (I did take him aside immediately to deal with the behavior and he didn’t do it anymore). Like I said, not the best at decision making. We parents have to teach them that sort of thing, be it through example or by talking them through the decision making or by scolding them when they get something demonstrably wrong or by letting them suffer the consequences of their own decisions.
Now, can a parent teach that sort of thing (or anything, for that matter) if the child doesn’t respect the parent as the leader? Not likely, in my book. Does anyone listen to someone they don’t respect?
But how to establish that pecking order? How to establish that status as the leader above the kids? That’s were kids-as-clickers comes into play.
Using the kids as a clicker reinforces the pecking order of the family because the kids are the one doing the work for their parents. It works because it happens every day and it’s a trivial exercise for the kids to perform. After a short period of time, it’s simply understood that this is one of their jobs as a kid, so they do it with minimal fuss. This makes it a win because for a couple of reasons. One, it’s a low-overhead request; meaning parents won’t have to expend a lot of emotional energy (aka- screaming) to get the kids to follow through. Second, it helps to lay the ground work for future moments where you’ll need their help or you’ll want to explain something important to them (like how pretending a bear is chasing you as a pretext for running, screaming down the middle of the road is a bad idea).
Nowadays, we have actual real remote controls so kids don’t have to be our remotes. But there’s still no shortage of simple tasks that they can do: retrieving food from the pantry or freezer, getting the mail, letting the pets in and out, feeding the pets, bringing clothes for laundry. Frankly, whatever they can be convinced to help out with works towards the ends of reinforcing the notion that the parents are the boss. The key is that it has to be fairly trivial to perform (thereby minimizing the opportunity for foot dragging), and it has to be something that needs to be done (now they’ve done something useful rather than just some random request because Mom or Dad is on a power trip)
All that said, kids-as-clickers is not a cure all. Just because they do these things doesn’t mean they’ll become perfect little angels. At least, not if my 2 are any indicator. They’ll still carp about certain tasks, and claim it’s the other ones turn; but, I do think they are more likely to listen in general as well as primed for larger requests of their time and effort as a result of having established the pattern of parents-ask-and-children-do.