Revisiting Sunday

I’ve been thinking a fair amount about my actions Sunday on the behalf of the boy. I haven’t teased out any big lessons. But there are a few things worth keeping in mind since there’s a chance I’ll see this sort of thing again.

1. The antagonist has all the advantages.

   It’s hard to appreciate this point until it’s seen in action. Any kid is clever enough to push boundaries when no one is looking. But it also goes farther than that. If the boy retaliates, who’s more likely to be noticed? Further compounding the problem is that the boy was doing everything “correctly.” He kept avoiding escalating things even as the other kid continued to do so. He told a coach about it; unfortunately, on the ice it’s hard for a coach to take action because the likelihood of him seeing something is minimal. His attention is on 30-some odd kids on the ice. What’s more, bodies are going down all the time, how’s a coach reasonably supposed to notice that someone is being deliberately targeted?

   My advice to the boy for the future was to give any future perpetrator a warning, and then make a scene without getting too physical. The problem is people are so afraid of violence that the natural way to deal with the situation, punch back twice as hard, is deemed unacceptable. This was the best compromise I could come up with.

2. Talk to the coaches first.

   Telling the other parent is one thing, but the people most capable of dealing with the situation are the coaches. They are the immediate authority. In the future, that’s the first place I’ll go, rather than confronting the child directly. If that doesn’t result in an improvement, then bringing it to the parent’s attention would be the next step.

   The problem here is potentially neither party deals with the situation appropriately. The coach because they didn’t see it; the parent because they don’t want to believe their kid is capable of such behavior, or just attribute it to “boys being boys.” I’m not sure what the answer is here.

3. This wasn’t a case of bullying.

   While tempting to call it that, it was closer to isolated harassment or some such. Bullying is another degree where the prey can’t escape the predator, ever. Plus, there’s an intimidation factor involved.

   The boy wasn’t intimidated by the other kid and, near as I can tell, it was something that came up on Sunday rather than something that had been ongoing. He’s was more concerned that retaliating would get him in trouble. Which goes to show he’s on the milder side of the spectrum when it comes to aggression. He also tried to quietly thwart some of the other kids provocations, like blocking the kid’s stick at one point.

4. I’m not sorry I acted.

   I imagine that I’ve upset minimally the parent’s of the other kid, and possibly the coaches. That’s unfortunate, but I won’t be apologizing to anyone. Though I will try to act differently in the future.

   My concern, at the end of the day, is for the boy’s welfare. Part of that means letting him know that I’ll stick up for him required. As I said before, he was doing everything right but ultimately being punished for it because no one else noticed. I put a stop to that.

5. Make sure the boy understands what he can do.

   This is by far the hardest one, because the best way stop this sort of stuff is for the boy to stick up for himself and let the other kid know he won’t stand for it. Telling the parent’s or the coaches might work, but it also might make the kid more clever in his moments when he decides to take his shot.

   If, however, he knows that there will be no joy had because the boy won’t take it, then there’s no reward for his actions. Since this wasn’t truly a case of bullying, in my book anyway, I think that would have been sufficient to stop the whole thing.

   Unfortunately, the options for the boy are limited. Just about any physical retaliation won’t work because they boy will get in trouble for that. Also, once emotions start running hot, there’s the likelihood that he goes too far.

   The course of action the boy took, turning the other cheek and telling a coach, is fine as far as it goes, but it’s also pretty ineffective. The coach has to see something, and short of that, the boy had to continue to endure the provocations until I finally intervened.

   Ultimately, I told him to make a very visible scene next time. Basically, he needs to draw attention the fact that he’s being singled out and he needs to point that out to the coaches. What’s more, doing it loudly and visibly seems likely to make the coaches take some kind of action, as opposed to passively waiting for something to happen. Still, this approach has shortcomings as well. He could easily over react; it could be interpreted as drama or his being overly sensitive. It also turns into a matter of who’s story the coaches believe.