For a change of scenery this week, we took the kids out to an indoor activity slash fun-park place. They’ve got little carnival type rides; games; inflatable slides; games; bumper cars; and games. It’s also got a ticket system where playing the different games earn tickets. The better the game is played, the more tickets are earned. When everything is done and said, the kids can redeeem all their tickets for junk. YAY!!!
But this isn’t about all the games they played or the good time they had or the rides they were on. Actually, it’s not even about the fact that we were at one of these indoor fun parks. It’s about the boy and his inability to accept that he’s going to suck at something the first time he tries it.
Now, to be clear, the Wife and I have no problem with him sucking at things. I suck at knitting and house cleaning. The Wife sucks at woodworking and bread baking. It’s impossible to go through life without sucking at things.
The boy seems to not get this rather banal concept. It was brought into HD-like focus yesterday when I introduced him to ski-ball. Now, you might be wondering how anyone could not have fun at ski-ball. Frankly, until yesterday, I just wouldn’t have thought it possible. That’s why I took him over to play it for a bit. The whole point is IT’S FUN! And just as importantly, it’s fun even if you suck at it.
But the boy proved me wrong yesterday. After showing him how what to do, I gave him 2 tokens to plunk in another machine and play a game. I plunked 2 more tokens into my own machine and started a 2nd game for myself next to the boy. Half-way through my game, I became aware of the fact that the boy was whipping the balls up the ramp at the speed of light, in the process agitating himself into a severe sobbing fit. I stood in amazement and watched him complete his game with tears rolling down his cheeks yelling at the game that it “was STOOPID!!!”
While dealing with his ridiculous tantrum, I came to realize that this is what he does with new activities. He does it regularly in karate when new self-defense techniques are introduced. (I spent this morning working with him on shoulder rolls- he was nearly in tears at several points and nearly quit on me. Fortunately, he finally had some success which led to more success and then suddenly it wasn’t “too hard” and he did 5 on his own. Total elapsed time from start to (successful) end: 10 minutes.) He does it with games on his DS and Wii. The Wife and I can oftentimes hear him upstairs in his room screaming/crying in frustration when Mario keeps biting the big one. He did it when first learning to skate and to play hockey and baseball (No- you can’t hit a homerun with every swing). He did it while learning to read and he’s done it with math as well.
The bottom line is, if he can’t be awesome at “it” right from the word “GO,” he descends into this state of denial, where the game or activity is to blame for his deficiencies at it. Frustration takes care of the rest.
What’s more, unless it’s a DS or Wii game, he will typically choose to avoid the activity for the rest of his life. That’s the point where the Wife or I have to intercede and provide some form of course correction.
The tantrum aside, the most frustrating aspect for the Wife and I is that he’s had enough examples of succeeding after practicing or sticking-with-it that we feel like he should recognize he doesn’t have to act that way. It’s one thing to try something and decide “Meh- not my thing. What’s next?” and quite another to have repeated mental breakdowns because stunningly, he wasn’t perfect on his first try.
It’s tempting to chalk this behavior up to his age and I’m sure it contributes. But he’s been doing it for so long now that I’m coming to the conclusion that it’s just who he is. I’m sure that time will temper his emotions, but more important he needs to learn that first, he won’t be great at anything the first time he tries it; and second, that’s OK.
Thus, his New Year’s resolution. And if he doesn’t learn it this year, well, I’m sure you can guess the rest…