The kids were getting a little too wound up prior just before bed time tonight. The lass wanted to sit on the couch but her brother was blocking her and she was getting more and more upset with the circumstances. The boy was taking a little too much delight in her frustration, so since it was close enough to bed time anyway, I told them to start getting ready to go to bed.
And they promptly ignored me. I waited calmly for a bit to see if they would make any kind of move. They didn’t. Instead, things escalated a bit further- the lass took a shot to the hand from the boy as she was flailing at him a bit. It hurt and she got mad. Fortunately, she sat down. After she sat, I waited a bit more, but still no move to act upon my order.
Rather than repeat myself, I took the situation by the throat: “If you do not do as I told you to, the consequences will be…” I didn’t have to finish the statement. By that point, they were half-way up the stairs.
This has to be one of the most frustrating, but common, aspects of parenting. I’ve sat and watched parents play the part of a Memorex tape, repeating a request over and over again to unresponsive children. Some parents get visibly mad, possibly embarrassed, as the kids just continue on and on with whatever they are in the middle of. Or worse, the child starts to negotiate and stall.
But watching these sorts of exchanges, I came to a realization: the kids are ignoring their parents because they know they can. In fact, I’m willing to bet the child intrinsically knows the exact point to which they can push their parent before they finally have to pay attention, or negotiate. Why? Because *the parents act that way all the time.” They have, in essence, trained their child to be act not on the 1st request, but on some final mysterious point sometime later when the child realizes they could get into big trouble.
So, if the child can be trained to act in this way, surely they can be conditioned to act in a more appropriate way, right? Seems to me the answer is simple: make the request once, and mean it. If they don’t act, then correct them right then and there. Make them go to bed early. Have them do extra chores. Take away the Wii, or the DS (I’m convinced that those are the only useful things video games are good for, taking them away as a form of correction.) Anything. Just don’t repeat yourself over and over and over.
Of course, this sort of action will set you up for the inevitable “You’re the meanest Dad in the whole world.” (Yes- I’ve gotten that one a number of times by now.) But it will pay dividends down the road when you want to get somewhere and need the kids to listen. Or, when you’re in a dangerous situation (I don’t know, crossing a busy street?) and need the kids to pay attention to you right then and there. I’m not there yet, but my guess is it will pay further dividends when they get older. At least, I tell myself that.
Also, as I’ve stated before, the job of a parent is not to be the kids best buddy. It’s to be a mentor, teacher and whatever else is required to equip them with the tools to thrive later in life. If that means I have to be mean now so that later they understand there is a time to follow rules, then so be it. I’ll consider my job done. Even without the thanks.
With that, re-training begins tomorrow. It’s gonna be a long weekend methinks.