Having read the latest in the ongoing “The Lass vs The Boy” wars, I got some advice from the Mom (my Mom):
Sounds like the kids are either having ‘hormonal’ issues with their behavior ….. or are just having simultaneous growth spurts and vying for top billing … they are certainly ‘taggersizing’ their parents … no friends, no electronic games, no special activities, no life …. levers are getting harder … maybe: take EVERYTHING away … only pre-committed activities then home … nothing else until they get the message … might take a week for them to see the consequences … it’s hard dealing with two competitive little personalities … challenge, challenge, challenge … no easy solution.
Mainly, I’m struck by the approach here: “take EVERYTHING away.” Wow. Definitive, harsh. I can just imagine them coming home and being relegated to sitting, no speaking, not even allowed to twitch. “I saw your finger move! That’s another week! No A MONTH!” I have a younger sister and brother- little wonder we walked the straight and narrow most of the time.
I think the main thing to realize about behavior patterns like the kids are exhibiting right now is it needs to be dealt with consistently until the message is received. Excusing it (Oh, they’re just tired from a long day at school) is tempting because nobody we naturally want to be understanding, but it doesn’t do the kids any favors. Or us for that matter. Misbehaving is misbehaving and granting excuses ultimately encourages the behavior.
In my mind, the nub of the problem is, where their sibling is concerned, the boy and the lass have no impulse control. All they see is the challenge of an opponent who, in the heat of the moment, must be vanquished at all cost. Damn the consequences. It’s that last part that the Wife and I have to break through- start getting them to think for just a second “If I do this, Mom and Dad are gonna kill me…” Or something close to that.
I think I get the Mom’s thinking.
2 replies on “Parental Advice”
Cricket: In the words of our 16th president: “You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can not fool all of the people all of the time.” Abraham Lincoln, (attributed) 16th president of US (1809 – 1865) …
Kids are smart – most of the time, you can only use a ‘lever’ once with any degree of success; WHATEVER you try, they’ll figure it out … They want what they want NOW. Somehow, you just have to remember that YOU hold the power … AND have the ability to maintain balance in their lives – regardless of WHAT they think or want. I never said it was easy …. 🙂
Accountability is one of the toughest things to find in people at any age, in what I do, I see it all the time…or a lack of it. I think what Mom is talking about is actually a way to lay a base for accountability. Understanding the most severe of consequences for even the most minor infractions should theoretically build a sense of accountability. As smart as the kids are, it will probably do it quickly; conceptually, the may understand it, even if they don’t know what it is really.
In life you learn that even minor mistakes can build up to a huge mistake if left unattended, so the concept is sound, pay attention to the details and no mistake is too small. Take pride in your life, behavior, responsibilities, work, etc…accountability, people have to be able to know that you are capable of being a normal human being at all times.
I can certainly remember it and the lessons…I was lucky to learn them from watching you and Sis receive the consequences early on, so I avoided some speed bumps. But, in the end, we all get our opportunities to test our own accountability, and if you learn early enough how important it is to success in life, I think you are doing the greater good.