During the boy’s hockey tournament this passed weekend, while coming off the ice after their second game, one of the boy’s friends and a teammate for the tournament snapped at another teammate “Get OUT OF THE WAY!” She had sat down at the end of the bench and the boy’s friend wanted to get through. His comment was not a request, it was an order and spoken with the corresponding force one would expect.
Suffice it to say, it was completely inappropriate and unacceptable, regardless that (for once!) the offender was not mine.
Now, for a little context. The games started at 7AM with warm-up time on the ice starting at 6:40. Even when the kids put on the majority of their other hockey equipment at home, it still takes about 10-15 minutes (depending on level of cooperation) to get their skates on, add any tape to stuff that doesn’t fit right, wipe noses, go to the bathroom. All the lovely stuff they don’t tell you about before you hand over the check which makes Youth hockey so memorable for parents. So factoring in a 20 minute early arrival time, travel time, breakfast time, and the wake-up call, kids were up on average around 5.
And as any parent will tell you, a kid’s beauty sleep doesn’t kick in until well after that.
In addition to the early nature of the day, the benches where the kids sit are cramped quarters. There’s barely enough room for one person to walk, let alone someone outfitted in battle gear. Further, the rink has leaks in the roof and there were lots of frozen puddles in the bench areas, so people really needed skates off the ice as well as on. As it happens, the boy’s friend had slipped a couple times even with the skates. And let’s not forget the sheer stress of being in a tournament where there were to be winners and losers.
All of this is a long of saying- there were a lot of factors working against (all) the kids that morning. But I happened to be standing right there when the incident occurred. My reaction was actually more reflex than anything:
“DON’T talk to her like that. Who are you to talk like that to a teammate?” His eyes immediately went down and I then ordered him to apologize, which he did. The girl he’d barked at didn’t seem too fazed by the whole exchange. She’d just come off a six-minute on-ice shift in the hockey game- she could’ve been low on blood sugar. Or maybe she wasn’t too impressed by a first-grader barking orders at her (she was, like, at least a 2nd grader- ya’ know).
We’ve come to be pretty good friends with this boy’s parents and his Mom had witnessed the exchange; she had a few further comments for him after he’d found himself a seat. After a few minutes had passed I went and discussed what had happened with his father and I also talked briefly about it with his Mom. My main concern was whether I’d stepped over a line- my words and tone were harsh and unforgiving of their child’s behavior. While I was comfortable with having identified and reacted to unacceptable behavior, perhaps his parents didn’t view it as my place to correct their child.
The bottom line is neither had any problem with my stepping in and said they’d have done the same if they’d been there instead of myself. The Mom noted that “He needs to hear that, and not just from us.”
The old adage “It takes a village…” comes to mind. The Wife and I also have the same attitude where the boy and other parents are concerned. We have no problem with another parent correcting the kids. I think, generally, the lesson is learned more poignantly because it’s not Mom and Dad nagging them again. It’s a bit of an eye-opener for a child when, lo-and-behold, that stuff Mom and Dad harp on all the time is actually expected from other people!
Along similar lines, I’ve used the threat of strangers correcting them to get them to settle down when out and about: “I’m done telling you to stop. When you run into someone else and they yell at you, don’t say you weren’t warned.” The prospect of a stranger yelling at them holds a power over them, almost certainly due to familiarity. After all, the stranger might turn them into a toad or something.
But we’re also careful to select who we, and by extension the kids, hang out with regularly. The other families have similar values to ourselves and expect similar behavior from their children. When we’re together, there’s a simple understanding that whoever witnesses the event has full authority to handle the situation. Also, trust in judgement builds over time. We know that when the other parent steps in, it’s for something we’d have stepped in for as well. Even if it isn’t, it’s good for kids to experience the expectations of others.
This kind of help affords is a pleasant supplement to the duties of parenting, knowing that behaviors important to you will be reinforced by other parents. It’s reassuring to know that, no matter the challenges presented, we’re not alone.