Thoughts on Tiger Mothering

An article by Amy Chua has been getting a lot of attention for the past week. In the article, she describes a little of her parenting philosophy which includes some pretty strict control over her kids’ social lives, demanding A’s in school, and some pretty serious discipline when required. Mrs. Chua has a book coming out that the article is promoting, so perhaps some of the article can be explained as “not attention is bad attention.”

What struck me most about what she had to say in the article is that her approach to parenting is familiar to me. She sums it up pretty well with her final sentence:

By contrast, the Chinese believe that the best way to protect their children is by preparing them for the future, letting them see what they’re capable of, and arming them with skills, work habits and inner confidence that no one can ever take away.

These are pretty much the goals the Wife and I have for our kids. We are not pushing them to become doctors, lawyers, musicians or athletes. Rather, we’re trying to equip them with skills that will allow them to succeed at whatever they do.

What are these skills? A short list would include determination, high expectations, humility, patience and curiosity. Discipline is another skill- the ability to make yourself do something tedious and unglamorous (think laundry, or documenting code, or even exercising at times) is invaluable.

As it turns out, few, if any, of these skills appears to be innate to kids. They whine about going to school. They whine about going to hockey practice or martial arts. They whine about going outside. They whine about eating. They whine about eating things that are good for them. They whine about having to go grocery shopping with us. They whine, frankly, about anything that is inconvenient to them.

I’ve seen enough of the boy and the lass’ friends by now to know that they are not unique in this regard. In fact, I’ve come to view children as master manipulators. Shameless little control freaks who will use any technique at their disposal to get what they want. Including the ones their parents teach them.

Mrs. Chua’s example about the piece of music she was determined that her child learn is a case in point. When I read that section, I was thinking about all the times the boy and the lass complained about going to hockey practice or dance classes. How determined they were to avoid having to go. Never mind that they always have fun while at those activities. They just would up and decide that they didn’t want to go. I know, because I asked them. They both reply with variations of “I just don’t want to go.”

Now, as a parent I’m faced with two choices. On the one hand, I can let them have their way and take my chances for the next time. They’re just tired, or just not that into it and better not to make them hate something because they were forced to go. On the other hand, I can force them to go. So what if they’re tired or not that into it? Can an adult use that as an excuse for, well, anything? “Sorry Boss, I’m just not into making that deadline today. Maybe tomorrow.” Are they too young to start learning that lesson? Well, I’ll retort by asking when, exactly are they going to be old enough and do you think it will be any easier to teach them later, when they are even wilier?

Clearly, Mrs. Chua would choose to force them to go. So do I. So does the Wife. The choice seems obvious. But there are plenty of parents who choose differently. I’ve observed it myself.

I think a lot of the philosophy comes down to a simple truism: kids are idiots. They don’t have any idea how to survive in the world at large. They have two survival skills: crying and screaming. Everything else they learn from observing their caregivers and other children. Human nature being what it is, they prefer to choose the path of least resistance. Given the chance they will always choose that path. It’s the job of parents to teach them that “easy” is not always “right.” Sometimes, that means we have to yell at them; take away their Wii privileges; serve them the same dish over and over until they eat it; force them to go to practice.

So am I giving full throated support to “Tiger Mothering?” Well, not really. We’ve already let the boy go to a couple of sleep overs. We try to emphasize and encourage “play” with the kids. The Wife and I both feel it’s important for them to develop their own worlds and imaginations (sometimes, we have to push the matter and ban them from video games though!) While Mrs. Chua doesn’t say anything directly about this in her article, based on her emphasis on education and excellence it doesn’t sound like she’s much of a fan of “play.” We also try to emphasize letting them make choices (on a controlled but ever expanding basis) and that includes making a poor choice. Again, it’s not clear that Mrs. Chua made that parenting choice. Also, I’m not a fan of publicly humiliating a child.

In all, their are aspects of “Tiger Mothering” that I agree with. Being confrontational when appropriate, expecting excellence, forcing them to push through their whining. But it all must be tempered with love, patience and humility. I won’t handle every situation properly; I can only try to reflect and try to be better the next time. Naturally, I figure my way is superior to Mrs. Chua’s. Being an SAHD, perhaps I’ll call my parenting technique “Dragon Fathering.” ‘Cause everyone knows dragons are wiser than tigers…