I was playing a racquetball game when I was around 8. I had only just begun learning to play. I wasn’t particularly good, but better than average. Good enough to think I could play better players and beat them.
I was wrong but I refused to admit that to myself. The result was my calling frequent timeouts and being next to tears in the corner of the court, frustrated at my inability to beat my opponent.
After the match, my Dad took me aside and explained sportsmanship to me. Ever since, I’ve always attempted to accept defeat graciously. That doesn’t mean I like or accept losing and it doesn’t mean I’m always successful at handling defeat. Mainly, it means I acknowledge that I can’t win all the time and that credit is given to my opponent when due.
Over the last couple of weeks, it’s become pretty clear that the boy is going to need similar guidance where competition and losing is concerned. During our trip to NH, he had a chance to play some of the carnival games. He did not handle losing very well. He denied that it happened and rationalized that he had won, but the attendant had just opted to give the other kid the prize. I also noted that after all the T-ball games, even though we never kept score, he would claim victory.
Luckily, sportsmanship is one life lesson I’m eminently qualified to teach.
6 replies on “Losing”
Just tell him to wait until he is 38 – then he’ll see the whole picture ….
Well, I’d like him to start getting it a little sooner than that…
Interesting, I remember some years after the age of 8 where you could have used a refresher course on handling losing “graciously”. The knuckle imprints still show, as just one timeless example. Of course, time does warp all memories, so maybe I am just a little hazy on the overall details of your reactions.
I do not claim immunity, as a rather foul bellow that I unleashed after I lost the Palisades track meet and hence our league championship, due to a choke in the shot put, is definitely a historic event in the sportsmanship annals of the Colonial League that puts me squarely and infamously in the guilty column.
Needless to say, understanding what can be learned from losing is what helps someone learn to appreciate it and its lessons even more than winning. No one likes to get used to losing, but using it and the feeling of disappointment that accompanies it as fuel or motivation, can spawn an altogether positive future result. A result that is virtually impossible to gain from simply winning or claiming victory all the time.
In the end, he will find himself in a situation where he cannot win and cannot even convince himself that he won and then it will be up to him to decide if he wants to learn how to overcome his deficiencies. I am guessing that his competitive nature and developed maturity will drive him to improve himself or it will help him ultimately decide if the task is worth his effort. Sooner or later, he will come across a challenge that he will not be able to shake until he conquers it. The accomplished feeling he experiences as he bests that challenge will stay with him forever and drive him forward in every undertaking to which he commits. Whether it be 99 rows of 99 Berserkers or something easier, like college.
Either way, it will be fun to watch him learn from his mistakes, as that is a challenge too few people ever truly figure out how to conquer.
I never stated that I was perfect after that match- just that it was a turning point. It’s been a long time getting to the point I’m at now. I dare say it’s almost completely unlikely I’d fly off the handle like that again over video games. But even just this past year, I lost a racquetball game and lost my temper. So even now, I’m still trying to get better.
That point aside, I agree with most everything else you stated. Those are the thing I’d like to help him to come to understand. I’m sure I didn’t state this clearly enough, but the goal is to teach him to use losing to make himself better. The fact is that you can also use winning to make yourself better, but losing is a more glaring example of deficiencies than winning.
Well, all ribbing aside…I would say that the true lessons of winning and losing really come when something is at stake. It is hard at this point in his life, for him truly to value anything besides the “good feeling” that comes from beating someone at something. This is because he does not know what it means to work for a victory or work and still come out with a loss. Without sacrifice there can be no understanding of reward, I do not know who said that or if anyone has, but they should of, because it would make a great concluding line to my point.
As far as cliches go, all thing come to those who wait or all in due time, my friend. I think some things you can teach by example and some things people have to learn for themselves, this situation, in my humble but confidently stated and typically accurate opinion, is a combination of both these types. Given my experience raising children that have achieved endless successes in life, I have no idea why you would not accept my word as gospel.
Your wisdom and breadth of knowledge is truly awe-inspiring, oh great and humble master. Thank you for your attempts at bestowing knowledge upon this most unworthy of students. For my foolishness, I shall now go and flog myself with a limp piece of angel hair pasta until such time that the foolishness has been purged from my person.