Month: January 2012

Glenn Reynolds points us to an article at Shine about the cost of parenting:

Everyone who has ever become a parent can testify to the financial challenges that go with raising kids. In fact, the average cost of raising a child to age 17 is over $150,000 per year.

I’m calling BS on this. I can’t even fathom a way that it costs that much per year to raise a kid, let alone averages to that much. The only possible way that works is if parents making over $150,000 a year give up their job to raise their kids. But I’m pretty sure that puts the earner in the top 5%, meaning there just aren’t enough of them to skew the results that high.

First off, logically speaking, if it costs $150K per year to raise 1 child, isn’t that saying that only people who make more than that can raise kids? I can assure you from personal experience that’s an incorrect statement.

I gave up my job just prior to the lass coming along and at the time I was at $65K per year. On my trajectory at the time, I might be earning around $80K today, assuming I’d stayed out of management. That leaves another $70K just to hit the mark cited by the article. I manage the household finances and I can tell you that it does NOT cost $70K for both kids, let alone one.

Most of the stuff that really hurts when it comes to raising kids are 1 time kind of costs, like birth. But that only happens once per kid. At least, that’s how it was the last time I checked. Anyway, along those lines, things like camp, sports, dance and music lessons and the like are typically on the order of hundreds of dollars per year.

Taxes, you say? Not likely, says I. Sure, that’s a big cost, but there’s that “child deduction” thingy that reduces the tax cost, for one. And for two, taxes are still only in the $5K range (local taxes that contribute to public schools), and that likely way to the high side.

The only other big-time cost might be a Nanny or daycare, but then the situation is likely that the parent has chosen not to give up working. So the major driver of the cost goes way down. Daycare can run $20K to $30K depending on the frequency. A Nanny is essentially an employee, so that’s the most expensive option. But even then, they aren’t being paid anywhere near $100K, let alone $150K.

There are other hidden costs as well, but they still don’t add up. Buying a car big enough to haul the munchkins around, along with all of their crap (not literally, at least, not always…) and the booster seats or child safety seats, certainly cost a lot. But what parent is buying a new car on a yearly basis?

I’d like to see the work done to arrive at this number. It just seems preposterously high.

The boy came home from school in a good mood. After hanging up his coat and backpack, he took out his homework and completed it. He also has reading he’s supposed to do, so he sat down and read as well. A load of dishes had finished up and when I said “Could someone unload the dishwasher?”, he jumped right up and helped along with his sister. To finish things off, he went upstairs and, uh, plugged the toilet; then he unplugged it without anyone telling him to do so, and he made sure to tell me about it.

Then, he asked me for a reward, though not quite so bluntly. First, he listed all of the things he’d just done right since he got home from school. Then he “just wondered if that was worth anything.”

I was … puzzled. In my formative years, rewards, if they were given at all, were unexpected and never asked for. (At least, I don’t recall asking for a reward- I’m not talking about wanting something. I’m talking about doing a bunch of stuff and then asking to be rewarded for my efforts.) In fact, I’d say more often than not, the “reward” was not getting yelled at for not doing what I was supposed to have done.

In other words, certain things were simply expected. That list got longer as I got older and more capable. That whole while, rewards were reserved for moments that were truly noteworthy.

So, what to make of the situation with the boy? Is this just a failure in parenting? The inevitable blowback of trying to tease certain behaviors out of the kids? A sign of the times, where awards and rewards are used like currency with kids? Something else? Is it good or bad or does it not even matter in the scheme of things?

After he asked me, I asked him “What if I were to tell you that it’s worth a ‘Nice job,’ and that’s it?” A simple test question to see what I was dealing with.

He answered “Then I’d say ‘Thanks.'”

Either he knew the answer to say, or he was answering earnestly.

I considered him for a few moments and he patiently awaited my verdict.

Finally, I told him he could play Angry Birds for awhile.

Guess I answered at least one of my own questions.

There are actually a number of things that I, personally, would throw into the “I’d do it differently now” category when it comes to the kids. But the one big one I always come back to is video games. In short, I really wished we’d waited before introducing them to the kids.

For one, both kids get nasty after playing with the game for awhile. I don’t know if staring at the pixels affects their brain or if there some kind of subliminal thing going on, but more often then not the kids get short tempered and grouchy after playing the game. It’s like they’re coming down off a high or something.

For two, the boy takes these games way to seriously and personally. There’s been many a time where the Wife and I stare at each other in slack-jawed amazement as the boy screams and cries in fury at a game. That’s usually followed by blaming the game for trying to cheat him. When we suggest to simply put the game down and walk away for a few minutes until he regains some semblance of dignity and composure, he refuses.

For three, there’s nothing more annoying than having one kid play and the other sit there and watch. And watch. And watch. If the one plays for 2 hours, the other will sit and watch for those 2 hours. The Wife and I have to resort to either pulling the plug on the games in general, or insisting the watcher go do something more productive.

Plus, there’s the non-stop “Can I play on my DS?” or “Can I play the Wii?” Then they get bored with the games they’ve got and want new ones, so that battle has to be fought.

I let myself be swayed by arguments for how the games encourage problem solving, eye-hand coordination and other such “benefits”. Plus, the friend factor works against the “nots” as well. Even if a game is refused them, thye will still get exposed to it via their friends. If only we could all get together before hand and agree that none of us will go in on the video game thing until their “older,” there might be a chance. Of course, some of them have older siblings, so that approach gets shot to hell in a hurry. Basically, everything is stacked against a parent where video games are concerned.

We all get assimilated eventually. But I’d make “eventually” a lot further out on the timeline if I could.

I would gladly pay tomorrow, for a hamburger today.

Wimpy, from Popeye

The Wimpy Gambit is when a child attempts to procure a promise for the future. What the promise is can range anywhere from having a cookie, to playing a video game, to having a friend over, to something they’ve never asked before. Sometimes the Wimpy Gambit is presented as an exchange. For instance, the child will voluntarily do a chore now if you’ll promise them something for later. The key is always: what is the “something?”

Of all the various techniques kids use, the Wimpy Gambit is the easiest to handle with a variety of techniques at the parent’s disposal. There is no one best way.

The simplest method is to give in. Of course, this depends entirely on how benign the “promise” is, which, of course, falls into the personal taste flavor of things. Generally speaking, if it’s harmless and/or hassle free, there’s little to lose. Plus, the parent has now gained an advantage: they allowed the child to do something, and some form of recompense can be made later on.

Another common counter technique is to brush the request off until later. The main hope here is that the child will forget their request. Generally speaking, this doesn’t happen. When it comes to something they want, children have a memory like an elephant. When brushing them off, be prepared for them broaching the subject later. Also, be prepared for a “Flood-the Zone” attack, where the child will continue to ask the same thing over and over again.

Denying the Wimpy Gambit is another possibility. The main cost here is the hassle of dealing with some sort of blow-back. The child may do anything from stomping off in a fit of rage and disappointment, to start whining and asking “Why?” (Answer: always “Because.”)

There’s also a horse-trading technique where the parent can extract favors, or promises of their own, from the child in exchange for their own promise. Generally, if allowable, this is the best way to go. Making them earn something in return for a reward of their own choosing can make everyone happy.

Often times, the Wimpy Gambit will be deployed when the child thinks the parent is either distracted or tired. Or both. It is an attempt to sneak one over an unsuspecting parent when their guard is down. The child can actually become quite accurate at judging these moments of weakness. This scenario can lead to the worst case outcome where a promise is made that never should have been. Beware, reneging on a “promise” does not go well with a child. Ever.