Month: January 2013

In this case, it was what I didn’t do that hopefully left an impression.

But first, a little back story.

At the boy’s Cub Scout meeting, I came up with the notion of making some kind of home made rocket. Not just one to build, but one that would actually launch. I didn’t have any bright ideas off the top of my head, but a little googling about revealed a clever design: building a rocket around an old 35-mm film cannister and using an Alka Selzer and water to fuel it.

I was in luck, because the Wife happened to have a bunch of old cannisters. Unfortunately, the caps were the type that fit over the edges, rather than a plug-style cap that pushed down inside the cannister. But I was resourceful and fashioned several “corks” out of oak. I managed to get them to a pretty good fit and my test with one of them allowed for a pretty good pop. That seemed promising, so I went with it.

I assembled the other things I needed and then at the end of our Den meeting, I had them start building their rockets. I explained what we’d be doing and they were all quite excited. Unfortunately, the reality didn’t live up to the hype. The wood was too slick and wouldn’t hold well enough to build up some good pressure to really launch the rockets.

This annoyed me.

So I kind of set my mind to thinking about it in the background- how could I increase the friction of the cork with the cannister while still maintaining a decent seal? The idea that occurred was to coat the cork with a few layers of polyurethane. I’ve noticed in the past the poly has a kind of tacky quality to it and doesn’t slide well on plastic, so perhaps this would give the desired result.

So this afternoon, with the kids home on schedule half-day, I sat down with the corks and a can of polyurethane. To coat the cork I simply drove a drywall screw a turn or so into the wood then, using the screw as a handle, I dipped the cork in the poly. Upon pulling it out, I held it over the can and let it drip and then began rolling the screw in my fingers to try and work off the last bit of the poly.

By this point, both kids had joined me at the table, temporarily interested in what I was doing. I was explaining the basic idea to them when my fingers fumbled the cork and it dropped- PLUNK!– into the can of poly.

I was pissed- but I didn’t say a thing. I just sat there, staring at it. It was just the sort of clumsy thing that drives me crazy.

Then I realized, both kids had fallen completely silent and were just staring at… me. They were waiting. Waiting and watching to see what I was going to do. Would I blow my stack? Would I start swearing like sailor and berate myself for my clumsiness? WHAT WILL DAD DO?

In the end, I let out a sigh. I got up. I went into the garage and found my needle nose pliers. I brought these back into the house and plucked the cork out of the can of poly, then started the whole process over again of trying to get the last bit of drips off it.

PLUNK!

It slipped out of the pliers and fell right back into the can. Again, I just stared at it, and the kids watched me. After a second or so, as I began to reach back into the can with the pliers, at which point the boy observed “Guess it’s a good thing you got those pliers, huh Dad?” I chuckled, and so did both kids.

This time around, I made sure not to do anything over the can and wiped off the excess using a foam brush.

I remember things from when I was growing up that my parents don’t remember. All kinds of things- some impressionable and some not. I don’t know that there’s any particular rhyme or reason to them, they are just scenes that, for whatever reason, stuck with me for all these years. I presume the boy and the lass will be the same. I don’t know if this one in particular will stick with them, though I suspect it might as much as I could anything like that based on their intense observance of the key moments.

We stress to the kids that things don’t always go right or the way you expect them to and that it happens for everyone and in anything. Major things like people getting sick and minor things like Cub Scout corks that get dropped into polyurethane cans. We try to impress upon them that the important thing is not that it happened, but how they react to what happens. Don’t lose your cool; if it’s a problem, think about how to solve it. Don’t get upset, don’t throw tantrums; don’t start crying; don’t get mad. None of that helps.

Maybe, today was an example they’ll remember.

Finally succumbed to, well, something anyway. I can’t say it’s what’s been going around because it’s only been about 24 hours; whereas most of what I’ve heard about lasts for a few days.

And while I’m on this topic, let me just get a little graphic here and say that vomiting has to be the most miserable bodily function experience there is. First off, there’s that funny feeling in your stomach where you know something isn’t quite right and you think “Maybe I shouldn’t have put horseradish on my eggs and sausage this morning along with 3 cups of coffee.” But denial sets in and you figure “I’ll just sip on water and give it some time, I’ll be right as rain in a couple hours.”

A couple hours later, things haven’t improved and, gee, maybe you I shouldn’t have gone to the gym for a workout after all. No lunch and now things are starting to get a little bloated down there. At this point, the thought occurs that toilet hugging is in your future.

After a another hour or so, you get that first confirmation. The sensation is almost imperceptible, certainly indescribable, and unfortunately undeniable- something in your gut just kicked in. It’s T-minus time, and Mount Vesuvius will have nothing on you in a few moments.

When the moment finally does arrive, the only good thing is you’ve located yourself over the toilet so you won’t have to clean up anything more than absolutely necessary. Mainly yourself. The spasms rip through you. Snot seeps out your nose and down you cheeks, but you could care less about that because the past couple of meals is pouring out of you. You close your eyes and hang on because, really, there’s nothing else you can do. To add further insult, chunks of food are getting stuffed up your nose.

Finally, that first break comes where it could be over. But it’s not. There’s still a thimble-full of something down there that has to be purged. Somehow, this part is even worse than the previous waves. Your mouth tastes like 4-day old socks that saw double-shifts in coal plant. Liquid is dripping off your face- some God-awful combination of stomach goop, snot and spit. You don’t dare open your eyes, lest you’ll be staring at your stomach contents. You reach out for the toilet handle and then the heaves start. Your body spasms and now things hurt.

Finally, it’s over. Your stomach feels better, but there’s that taste in your mouth and all that stuff dripping off your face. And, when did your nose get all clogged up? Oh yeah…

So now the cleanup phase begins. Rinse your mouth out with some water, but don’t dare swallow. Wash your face off with cool water- that feels good. Then blow your nose, once, twice, three times. Chunks of food are still coming out. Finally, brush your teeth. Then, back to the toilet to clean up whatever didn’t make it into the toilet. Finally, you go to a couch, maybe with a little water.

Really, is there anything worse that your body can throw at you?

Saw this just now and followed the link. It’s related to a recent car commercial where a father and son are tossing a baseball together. The boy has horribly throwing form and the father is being patient and encouraging, only to reveal that he has worse throwing form than his son. So they sit there together tossing it back and forth next to this car.

To be honest, until I read the above links, I had no idea it was for a Passat.

I was actually talking about this commercial with the Wife and a friend yesterday. They both had theories about what the point of the commercial was- linking to the fact that it was a rugged car and people could comfortably throw a baseball next to it with horrible form.

Personally, I think it’s one of the genre of commercials where something amusing happens but you can’t for the life of you remember what the commercial was for. There are tons of these out there with clever little punch-liney setups, but don’t really have anything to do with product being sold. So, while the marketing firm gets an ‘A’ for creating a memorable TV moment, they get an ‘F’ for creating a useless ad- because no one can remember what the heck they’re selling after it’s over.

As for the stereotyping of Dads, well, see my previous post for whether or not we can be useful. For that matter, peruse the bread category or the woodworking category to get a feel for my personal answer. I also remember my own Father’s handiness while we were growing up- it’s the stuff of legend around our family. Not that everything went like clockwork, but “buffoon” is not a word you’d use to describe my Dad. I’ll let my kids judge me when the time comes.

More generally, to be honest, this sort of stuff rarely bothers me and when it does it’s more a fatigue of seeing the same silliness over and over. Everybody Loves Raymond was funny for about 2 episodes for me, then it was tedious, then it was uninteresting. I reckon that show made it’s living on the “Dad as buffoon” theme.

There’s also something a little unseemly about getting all upset about how Hollywood portrays Dads. I mean, do I need Hollywood to reaffirm the fact that I’m not a doofus? Hardly, and I can’t imagine the day will ever come that it does concern me. They need their story material, and apparently there’s a niche for this kind of thing. I think Dads do themselves more good by simply laughing it off, rather than playing an identity politics game.